What’s wrong with me? (Autism)

ICD10 F84.5

Letters and Numbers?

It’s a diagnostic code – Aspergers Syndrome.

From being a kid, I was frustrated with ‘other people’, why aren’t I like them?

Why can’t I get along with ‘other people’, why can’t I have friends like ‘other people’, why can’t I be more like they are? Why is it so easy for ‘other people’ to do that?

Other people do the relationship, house, kids thing better than me. Other people seem happier or more successful. Other people seem to do the things that I try and fail at.

I never really had an answer, I wished I was different and more able, I had in my head the person I wanted to be and I tried and pushed myself. I knew I had quirks and obsessions over things.

I thought myself to be many things, I thought I was complicated, over sensitive, grumpy and at times anti-social.

I didn’t realise that I was different to other people, they were Neuro-Typical, they didn’t have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

I thought the diagnosis would just be a label, that I’d be as before and just keep going, but I’ve realised how utterly exhausting every day can be for me, that I do struggle with people, that I do need to forgive myself for my failings through the years.

My struggles were to condition myself to fit in, to not be different, I realise now that my life was battered and bashed into sets of goals and priorities that I could never quite achieve.

The release is knowing, it’s a relief that I know I’m not good at things other people take for granted. I know the things that can upset me and knock me off my stride.

I need to learn to handle my condition and raise my mood. Learn to allow myself the things. ‘I need to do’ and get the rest and recovery time I may need.

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