Lost? (autism)

I’m a bit lost. I’m back at work, back in a sort of routine, but I’m still worried, still a bit away from being right.

I have my diagnosis, I know I’m an aspie, I know I can’t handle the artificial light, I know I struggle with all the noise, I know I struggle with crowded spaces and funnelling on and off at the main train station. 

I’ve lost myself worrying about what I can do to protect myself.

I’m lost in terms of how to tell my workmates what’s wrong with me and what I need to help myself. 

I’m lost on some of my bad habits of sleep and diet and smoking. I figure there’s more I can actually do or fix.

I’m tweeting and enjoying the interaction every night, but how do I convert that into picking up the threads of talking with people again and picking up the threads of friendships and other stuff.

I put a hold on blogging, I wasn’t sure what to say or what good it might do. I’m very unsure about returning to Facebook, I’m not sure I have much in terms of ‘up’ to report. I think I’m mainly figuring stuff out – processing – a lot of that, a real load of thinking through things.

Too much thinking? Possibly, but it’s fleeting clarity at times. 

My head can be a fog, lots of noises/sights/sounds all at the same time, all together. Thoughts and needs are pushed through that fog by my conditioning, a hard push to do this, a heavy shove to do that. Bashing in and forced through. It’s not pleasant, as it can be a sequence of things that I’ve learned, trotted out to get a thing done.

Sequencing and Order. 

Lists, diaries and calendars, ways to keep it all together, planning and planning.

For now, I know I’m not enjoying that, maybe I need a bit of chaos and freedom and a sort of balance that allows free will. 

I don’t know if that’s right/wrong/stupid. Maybe I need to indulge myself.

Okay. That’s something written, more thinking needed.


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