I’m not sure that’s necessarily a good title, but it’s a sense of how I am. Hollow.
I had a really bad day on Friday and at work I felt isolated and alone. I’m unable to communicate my diagnosis, I’m scared of the tag of being mentally ill. In truth, I am, as I’m still trying to get past anxiety and depression.
My Aspergers is the thing, I can’t connect, I can’t get myself to say what’s happened and how the things I’m not able to do have coloured my past relationships or lack of relationships with my colleagues.
I had always thought it best not to get too entangled with people’s lives, to have some distance and separate life from that at home and that at work.
I guess I haven’t had much support or sympathy in a month since being back at work, I’m not sure anyone gets what happened with me in the last year and I’ve not really been open about it either.
I felt alone, very alone on Friday, down, confused and upset. I went auto-pilot mode to get food and get home.
I’ve struggled to see anything socially on the web or otherwise where I can get across how I am, how shocked I am that I’m not ‘normal’ and that I am different and that bit disabled in terms of social communication And in my filters and perceptions of life.
I’ve wondered if I would have been better having a physical illness that people understood or got.
I didn’t really understand how much of a step up in terms of communication and day to day social interaction I needed to do in terms of returning to work and how much work it is, even just to get myself through the train journey and out of the busy train station in the city.