Gnaw (Autism)

I’m an Aspie and it’s only after diagnosis and the painful, toe curling talking and analysis of the diagnostic interview that I pieced together all the stuff.

He’s quiet, he’s shy, he’s a home bird.. Go make some friends, try.. 

It’s something I’ve known all my life, I can’t handle people and by that I mean that I’ve never been able from childhood to deal correctly with people, to make friendships, to socialise, to get past the just polite bit, to know I can trust someone or to know when I’m being made a fool of.

Childhood hurt me, I withdrew from people and I picked another path, I don’t really associate with anyone I was at school with and I’m not in any contact with people I was at college/university either. I’ve stumbled on through and I have some friends from different circumstances, I have the kids and I have my life.

The Gnaw, is the realisation that my condition has meant I didn’t know that I couldn’t do people and that I didn’t have the support (other than my mum, sister etc) that I really guess that I needed when I was 11 or 16 or 18 or 25 and I was baffled by a new situation, a new raft of people to fit in with or adapt to. 

Maybe my path could have been different, maybe I could have retained something worthwhile of had people understand what I was trying to be behind the mask of myself and how I act and how badly I interact.

The feeling of worthlessness and being unless, the worry and stress and meltdowns and struggles on and on. 

I don’t know, I can’t change my past. It’s done and perception is reality, I was that person and that’s what I’ll be remembered for (if I am, at all). I can’t wave a wand at all that stuff and I’m not going to.

I can adapt a little now I know, I can ask for help or try to explain. It will be tough, but I want to understand myself better, forgive myself on what I know I can’t do. My head simply doesn’t work that way and it never will and I must move past where I am trapped by communication or socialisation skills. 

Yeah that’s a real doozy. Threads need picked up though and I need to give it a try.

As I think on it and I say, condition for Aspergers and I feel I get to function and do and be a hell of a lot more ‘normal’ than others on the ASD spectrum, I am still impared compare to an NT, I am still unable to do things, I have been knocked side wards with fear and anxiety about things in my life that wouldn’t trouble an NT. I’ve struggled past learning and performed when I’ve had to from fear and pain. I may never really know some feelings, I may approximate caring and sympathy myself. I may not be able to express empathy. 

I wish I could help other people with ASD, I’m with the auties and the aspies. I need to figure how my path and what I’ve done can help others like my son, j, who is non verbal and otters that maybe are like me and where an earlier diagnosis and the right nudge and there could benefit them and make their day to day life’s more satisfying than mine. If I need a gnawing in me now, it should be just that. How I can help firstly myself and by writing or otherwise how I should or can help others. 


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