Some days I get close to the edge, close to thinking dark thoughts, I get frustrated with myself, I get frustrated with others, I get annoyed that I can’t get across what is inside and that I’m trying every minute to ‘be like them’ in their world.
I think that it’s a realisation that I have to try so hard mentally and in doing so it takes a physical toll in terms of fuelling myself, in terms of effort, in terms of sleep and rest.
I don’t want to claim I’m running at 150% to match someone else, it’s not the right analogy, I’m doing things my way to get where I need to be and sometimes I drop the small unnecessary stuff (as I see it) to get there. But by edging that corner, I make the other mistakes, the small tells in body language, the lack of expression, the missed cues, the overtaking. The voice stuff, the lack of hand gestures, the unknowing stuff.
It’s a push to be better, to learn things, to observe, to pick up stuff. To remember it. A compulsion to pick up things to be better in future. To be more natural, to hold down the thoughts, to slow the voice, to listen, to hear, process and give the appropriate response in the right way. At times, there’s a bad joke or sarcasm screaming to get out. At times, there’s a wish not to say anything.
As a youngster, I thought I was ok and it was ‘other people’. I still see fecklessness and get annoyed. I have a sort of chamber of discipline in my head. I want to be polite, I want to be gentle, good natured, courteous. I genuinely try to be.
It’s a challenge and a frustration to pick out stuff that I’m getting wrong.
I reckon I work on movement and posture every day, as a kid I was conscious of it and really made an effort, I’m maybe a bit better at it now, but at times I need to prompt myself and the same too in conversation and dialogue and speech. And the same too in getting in just enough, knowing when I’m over running in detail or questions. I can’t always get that right. I can play back some conversations, but I can’t do the thing people do when they say ‘he said xxx, I said you, she said zzz’
I sometimes just need to process. I sometimes don’t. I have no idea how it works. Sometimes boom, I dredge up information or knowledge. Other times it’s lost, I know I might know, but it’s gone and I’m trying to process the hand gestures and colours and voice and whatever else from someone. I might be approximating eye contact by looking at a point just past the speaker or wondering why one eye is different to the other or why I hadn’t noticed something about a person before.
Sometimes I’m remembering to breathe or trying to really really not say that I hate the colour you’re wearing or trying not to move away from a smell or a substance that I really don’t like or can’t tolerate.
Sometimes it doesn’t work and I can’t deal with it and it’s an exit strategy. How do I get away? How do I stop this person talking and move on. Where’s the door? What’s the quickest way through the over bright room or past that smell or away from those things?
At times, I don’t get it either. I know I need out. I try to stay or keep going, and maybe I can, but then it has its toll on me later. If I fully understood all the sensory stuff.. If only.
This has been written in one go without editing or coming back to. Sometimes I can be coherent in minutes. Sometimes not.
I want to understand my condition and its effect on my mood. I know I get down if I fail in certain ways and I guess I don know what is normal or human or right. I do try though. I try..