Communicating and Failing (Autism)

I’m so upset right now. I cannot get a break. I’ve failed to communicate something between myself and people that I need to talk with.

It gets to a point sometimes where you really don’t see a point in trying to do stuff. 

Person 1 has a flip, years ago, and it fucks everything up, you try to sort stuff out, but down the line Person 2 is awkward about stuff because of that.

Throw in trying to balance things between both of those people and that I do need to okay with them both about an event that was planned for someone else that I’d kind of hoped to go to and it’s all just a big mess. 

I back off from trying, as I’ve been told and I feel bad for even thinking that I could go and I now have to say that I can’t go to the event and I’m upset at person 2 for their reaction and person 1 for making things awkward in the first place. 

I’m upset at myself as its my life, I have no ability to do that’s that are outside work or family and I wonder why I’m such an arse and so stupid. I just can’t go. I wanna go in order to do the social stuff that I should do.

I have to tell the other person that thinks it’s okay for me to go and I don’t really want their reaction either to the fact that I’m now not going.

Yeah I can see attraction of not existing. It’s clearer when I know I have nothing beyond a few hours on the web, my open space to sleep and the odd bit of TV. I can’t even bring myself to do that tonight and I’m off to sleep rather than anything else. All I can do is try to calm down and go to sleep.

Add into that another situation in a different sense where I failed to communicate on  a problem about six weeks ago and where I have lost out over it and I’m really toiling to actually want to bother with any human beings right now.

Time helps. I’ll accept it, process it, try to minimise the damage and move on. But by goodness it’s frustrating and horrible.


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