I’m reading a report that one of the universities put together in 2011.
It was a report and I edited it down to the bare bones of my interest, and that’s pretty much just the direct quotes of individuals with Autism/Aspergers.
It was something that affects me every time that I read it, the lack of social ability leading to being lonely, having little trust in people, being bullied as children for being different.
The inability to communicate is the thing that gets me. I feel that a lot, I feel the loss in that sense.
I can get so far, wing it or blag along to an extent.
Inessential crap chat I can do.
But it’s useless, baseless stuff.
There’s no satisfaction from it, I fail to pick myself up in talking too much or not doing the ‘asking back’ thing.
Timing? The out and return of it. The give and receive. I dunno.
The chance to actually deepen things just from the mundane. It’s that that I can’t do.
I just guess that the way the quotes are written, just focuses the issues that I have.
I cried the first time I read the repose with the quotes as it did relate to how I felt.
Bullied, an outsider, butt of jokes, the one that wasn’t really amongst friends, the one that wasn’t allowed to talk or was mocked for knowing stuff.
The worker that won’t ever get a promotion, the person detached from his family through inability and who get further detached over time.
I sometimes felt my only contact with my family as an adult was to get ‘told off’ for something I’ve got wrong.
It’s hard as I guess I’ve messed up my opportunity to be an uncle to my niece and nephew and I don’t know how I’m described to them or perceived by them.
The realisation with the report and the quotes that I wasn’t the only one was a big relief.
I thought in the past, before diagnosis, that I was a bad person, that I got scared trying to talk to people and then got it wrong.
Being scared to talk then led to isolation and that then led to doing things that weren’t helpful.
A cycle of fail if you will. A process that I didn’t realise and didn’t understand and I kept going and trying and still ended up in the fail cycle.
Depression, Anxiety were I suppose inevitable as I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be like other people and have a satisfying life.
I still don’t and figuring the stuff out in my early 40’s is upsetting. I know I’ve failed in relationships and know I’ve failed in school, college and work.
I’ve got to where I can be rather than where I could be and happiness doesn’t follow from that, but thinking acceptance is the thing, knowing I got stuff wrong and not being able to fix it then.
The regrets add up and become a ‘thing’ too. There’s knowing stuff, not knowing stuff and losing out.
It’s a hard process to ‘know’ my condition and realise what it’s done to my life.