Guess I have days when I don’t feel 43. Or it seems that I’m not.
I look older though.
My hair gets greyer and the stuff at the front still hasn’t grown back.
I don’t know how I look I’m myself, maybe perception, maybe lack of imagination.
I can guess that I look old, I suppose.
The mirror doesn’t lie. The mirror shows me older, greyer, fatter.
I can guess myself that I’m not youthful and I could do with this or be that.
Am I past a particular point by being over-40?
Do I look to the future and hope.
Do I look backward and think of the nineties, when I got out and did stuff?
Maybe I’m not so sure.
Maybe I won’t ever know. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
But what am I doing?
I’m separated. I have kids, I have a kid with autism. I am a carer of sorts, I’m caring for myself too.
Am I recovering? I’ve been down depressed, anxious, unhappy.
Maybe I’m closer to understanding my diagnosis.
I guess I can’t ever be ‘cured’ in the way that maybe I’d like to be.
I don’t ever see myself being the ‘super-aspie’, ‘shiney-aspie’ or to getting maybe where I once was previously when I thought that I was doing alright.
Functional, trying hard, being able or near enough.
Is it possible to go backwards, am I still that person?
My diagnosis, my reaction to it and my days since, say to me I’m different. It’s been a journey.
I now know why I did the things I did, I’ve adapted a fair bit, but have I changed?
Has my diagnosis and day since made me someone different?
But what more is there?
Am I battling Aspergers daily for little more than just to tick along at work and to be grateful I live and know why I’m how I am.
I can’t be cured. It’s a lifelong developmental condition.
Do I roll with it all?
Develop an interest in evening courses in drawing or art or conversational language this or that.
Make friends, try to be social.
Do I go to bars? (Would I want to?)
Do I look at whether I can meet someone else/ someone new?
Can I pick up the threads of a life or continue to be on the sideline.
Is the TV and Internet enough when you have evenings alone.?
I tweet and communicate with other people, I can do somethings well. I maybe can be able to translate that skill?
Can I? I don’t know.
I don’t feel I can today, maybe.
I can’t turn the one eighty just now.
I’m not going to be a new anything, my conditioning and life experience means I can approximate to a point.
But I maybe need to accept I won’t try eye contact, I won’t try to be socially correct or I find the right stim for me.
Recovery? Renewal. Starting again at 43?
Is that possible?
‘I dunno about me .. I’m feeling 43!’
(Nah…) (sorry Taylor)