43 (Autism)

Guess I have days when I don’t feel  43. Or it seems that I’m not.

I look older though. 

My hair gets greyer and the stuff at the front still hasn’t grown back. 

I don’t know how I look I’m myself, maybe perception, maybe lack of imagination.

 I can guess that I look old, I suppose.

The mirror doesn’t lie. The mirror shows me older, greyer, fatter. 

I can guess myself that I’m not youthful and I could do with this or be that. 

Am I past a particular point by being over-40?

Do I look to the future and hope. 

Do I look backward and think of the nineties, when I got out and did stuff?

Maybe I’m not so sure.

Maybe I won’t ever know. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But what am I doing?

 I’m separated. I have kids, I have a kid with autism. I am a carer of sorts, I’m caring for myself too.

Am I recovering? I’ve been down depressed, anxious, unhappy.

Maybe I’m closer to understanding my diagnosis. 

I guess I can’t ever be ‘cured’ in the way that maybe I’d like to be.

I don’t ever see myself being the ‘super-aspie’, ‘shiney-aspie’ or to getting maybe where I once was previously when I thought that I was doing alright.

Functional, trying hard, being able or near enough.

Is it possible to go backwards, am I still that person? 

My diagnosis, my reaction to it and my days since, say to me I’m different. It’s been a journey.

I now know why I did the things I did, I’ve adapted a fair bit, but have I changed? 

Has my diagnosis and day since made me someone different? 

But what more is there? 

Am I battling Aspergers daily for little more than just to tick along at work and to be grateful I live and know why I’m how I am.

I can’t be cured. It’s a lifelong developmental condition.

Do I roll with it all? 

Develop an interest in evening courses in drawing or art or conversational language this or that. 

Make friends, try to be social.

Do I go to bars? (Would I want to?)

Do I look at whether I can meet someone else/ someone new?

Can I pick up the threads of a life or continue to be on the sideline. 

Is the TV and Internet enough when you have evenings alone.?

I tweet and communicate with other people, I can do somethings well. I maybe can be able to translate that skill?

Can I? I don’t know. 

I don’t feel I can today, maybe.

I can’t turn the one eighty just now. 

I’m not going to be a new anything, my conditioning and life experience means I can approximate to a point.

But I maybe need to accept I won’t try eye contact, I won’t try to be socially correct or I find the right stim for me.

Recovery? Renewal. Starting again at 43?

Is that possible? 

‘I dunno about me .. I’m feeling 43!’

(Nah…) (sorry Taylor) 


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