Outside (Autism)

I’m outside in the sun, Not by choice. I’m at my ex’s the kids are outside.

I’m stressed as I’m not comfortable, My autistic son keeps going in and out the house. The dog is crying as he’s in his box.

As its a nice day, people are outside cutting grass and the people next door are having a party for their one year old. 

There’s noises, voices, people.

It’s a sensory hell. I’ve sneezed from grass cutting too.

I’m being helpful though and being a grown person means not watching and keeping an eye on the kids. 

Again, not my plan, not my choice, I have no control or free will on this one.

I’d ideally be inside on the hottest part of a day. I know I can’t handle it and I’m already sunburned from a day out earlier in the month.

The point is tolerating stuff and putting up with things to an extent that are not ideal. 

I can handle this for an hour or two hours. I have sunglasses, I won’t snap at the kids or the neighbours. I can sit down but I can’t really relax. I’m tense. I can feel it. 

But it’ll take its toll on me. The recovery time from this.

I had that last Wednesday. Got a text saying I’d get picked up for my son’s fun day at the ASN school. I had arranged time off work, I wanted to go.

I get outside work and wait at the right place and time as earlier arranged.

 A single text after about ten minutes of waiting and looking for the car, ‘can you meet me on X Street’ – nothing specific. 

I go to X Street it’s a long shopping street in the city, but there’s  people everywhere. I have to call to ask where they are.

The other end of the street. I’m getting stressed and frustrated. I finally meet them. 

‘I was running late’ – I get that people do that so I say nothing. 

I don’t say I’m a bit zapped from walking through the busy street or that I’m pissed off after waiting outside the building for five minutes, or that they could have said where they were. 

I want to see my son without having an argument, the person won’t understand why I’m upset or that they’ve stressed me or that it is a problem.

I get to the ASN school, the outdoor fun day. It’s other people there for their kids, but social stuff, strangers, loud music, following my autistic guy around. 

Fun? Maybe not for me. I don’t get to sit down. I don’t stop. 

I’m stressed and knocked off from the change of plans, I’m tired from an hour and a half moving about. 

I love my son and I don’t want him stressed or pushed, so he doesn’t bite or hit someone. 

He’s comfortable with me anyway and we do ok.

I maybe need a crash out, but I have work on Thursday and stuff to do with daughter on my contact day. 

She ends up staying with me as its her mums birthday.

Unexpected and although her mum hinted at want she wanted, so that she can go for a drink, both me and daughter call to be sure.

 I don’t get the signals from the conversation when I pick up my daughter and she doesn’t either, so we have a wasted car journey to her mums house, only balanced a bit by bring able to stop off and get food and stuff for overnight. 

I sleep on Thursday night and wake badly at 4am on Friday, I go back over but it’s not good and I’m knackered through Friday. Thrown, bit off, bit tired.

We have a quiet morning, I need it, my daughter needs it too.

I illustrate a couple of days from my life, I’m not enjoying things just now, I have a low mood and it amplifies the stresses and anxiety and that in turn feeds my depression. I can’t win.

I can’t explain to people how their behaviour creates Anxiety and stress and effectively hurts me. 

Yes its unintentional but it does and I can’t just hit a reset on myself once I get wound up.

I’d like to enjoy being outside, I’d like to enjoy the kids being outside, I know what I can’t handle in terms of sensory stuff, I try to block it out, act ‘normal’, it’s tricky. It’s trying hard, constantly. 

Yup, this is a moan, but imagine me trying to explain this verbally. 

Yeah….

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