Last weekend, I got nothing that I wanted done as I was caring and looking after things for the mother of my kids.
I wasn’t right, but I got a bit tired, a bit out of sorts, a bit away with it.
I had a lot of stuff to do work-wise and I also helped with stuff on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
I’m totally zonked today. I was zonked yesterday too.
I had some crash out. I slept some. Today I had to walk. I had to get food.
I last shopped on Monday, I used up bread that probably wasn’t fresh on Friday and Saturday as I got in tired and just wanted to eat.
I’m feeling physically bad. My knee has hurt, I’ve been just not right.
I have to do caring stuff for others. I accept that, and do that, but sometimes getting no respite or break over a period of days just compounds things and gets me worse.
Which leads to today. Takes me to the point I don’t want to be at.
Broken. Tired. Having nothing and no-one.
I accept how I am. I hate how I am. I don’t want to be me. I can’t pretend to be someone that’s cool with their condition and diagnosis.
I had dreams and hopes and I wanted a life. I blew it. I’ll take what’s coming as I don’t see a way back. There won’t be a ‘normal’ acceptable life for me.
Getting frustrated gets me nothing. I just get more and worse in return.
But, I’ve already lost my family, lost my kids and everyone I’ve loved or cared about.
I feel I can’t say no and if I express dissatisfaction or my stress or that my Aspergers isn’t good today or that I’m not able or I’m done in.
I’m wanting to avoid getting low or depressed. I just wanted a break or a sleep or a morning.
People claim they understand Autism and Aspergers. I don’t believe anyone does. No-one calls, no-one texts. No-one just makes sure you’re ok. No-one thinks you get tired. Look normal/am normal.
I guess I haven’t explained this well. I can’t. Nobody can really.
I’ve just been tired. Just needed a rest. Just needed a break. I guess that’s it, but I’ll get punished hugely for it.