Creep (Autism) 

Whatever makes you happyWhatever you want

You’re so fuckin’ special

I wish I was special

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here

I don’t belong here

‘Creep by Radiohead’

The song has always reasonated with me. I’m always an outsider in a group, I’m never popular or  ‘special’ to other people. 

I feel more ‘creepy’ now with my glasses and I’ve had a lot of people being strange with me when I first realised my thing about lights and having to wear sunglasses initially.

I’ve also realised my issues in terms of seeing faces and recognising expressions and emotions. 

I know my social inabilities.

I think now that any interaction with people is now something to worry about. It’s something to avoid.

I think there’s nothing I can do about how I am. I must accept it. 

People that ‘know’ me, won’t change how they see me, so there’s that.

I won’t get back the relatives that I miss. I won’t get back time from knowing how ‘wrong’ I appear or act.

Going forward, I’m avoiding contact with people. I try not to look at women. Keep my head down.

I’m on my own and that’s it. 

Protect myself through avoidance and hope for understanding one day.

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