Panic (autism)

I’m headed to work. I’m feeling utterly dreadful. I’m jittery, nervous, feel it in my stomach. 

My head is at 100mph. It’s playing bad stuff in my head.

Words said at me, things said about me. Stuff I don’t like. 

Me against the world again. I can’t win, no matter what I do. I don’t feel calm, I don’t feel ok. I don’t feel normal. Never mind happy or anything like that.

I can’t not do this. I have to go in. I’m not going to turn around and go home. I need to work through this, need to just have another day, get to the end.

There’s no-one sympathetic at the end of this, I just need to get to my desk and sit down, so my work.

I’ve twenty minutes to go. Train. Then walk. I’m thinking ‘breathe’- there’s really not much else. 

Typing this helps. A bit.

What to say, what not to say running in my head. Still don’t know from the moment I woke. 

Still sore, uncomfortable, I feel wetness at my eyes my head is pounding.

I can’t say anything. No-one will ask or check. I can’t really think what to do/say/think. 

Nearly time to get off train, go. Get in. 

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