Maelstrom (Autism)

Tears. 

Head sore.

Standing on the train , processing hurt and tiredness and confusion.

It wells up, the tears, the sore head, no clarity, just knowing ‘hurt’, just feeling empty.

 Nothing else going on. Standing, looking at the phone in my hand and not really taking in the screen as a distraction. 

That was Wednesday morning after reluctantly getting up and getting going. I’m no further forward in processing whatever that was.

I didn’t sleep well last night, couldn’t get over and in the end had to look at something to try and understand where I was. I searched on loneliness and then on solitude.

I think I ‘know’ or have realised that I spend time alone in the evenings and distract myself, usually through the TV. I was tired and after a couple of hours tried to sleep and get over.

I did eventually after 4am waking just before 8. Washed out, sore tired and just feeling wrong. 

I sat this time on the journey, but my eyes were wet again and I felt lost and empty. Still processing, still figuring on whatever it is or was. The same, more or less as a day before. 

It’ll be the weekend, or a day next week when I figure this out and ‘know’ what I was getting through.

If someone had asked me yesterday or today why I was crying, I’m not sure I could answer, I don’t think I knew myself. Maybe as simple as I had forced myself up awake and to get ready or to take myself onward.

 I don’t quite know, maybe I just felt sad. Maybe being tired and frustrated and alone and confused doesn’t help. 

If I know what it is, then maybe I can do something, but much of the time, I’m fighting me, my conditioning, my filtered self, the person I was/am before the diagnosis dropped on me.

Work needed doing, kids and people and dogs needed sorting out, when the moment of clarity comes over those journeys I’ll be glad.

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