Two Thousand and Two ; (mental health, suicide awareness)

The ; above is deliberate. The semicolon means a sentence that is broken but not ended.

In 2002, I was close to killing myself  living alone and far away and at a point where everything just got too much from me.  

I use ‘close’ as a deliberate euphemism. 

I had burned out, I wanted success and life and everything else, I had what I thought was my dream job working in Edinburgh for a big company doing a job I thought was getting me up the ladder. I had my company car. I lived in a nice place in a nice flat.

I couldn’t nail my personal life at all. I had a failed relationship, then a friendship mess up, then just a complete mess up at work, tipped me over the edge. 

Pride stopped me reaching out. The west of Scotland machismo i grew up with, led me to alcohol over talking, being big, not wanting to show weakness or that I had ‘fucked up’. (I hadn’t)

 I couldn’t talk to my family. I had nothing I could sensibly tell my mother, my sister. 

I felt if I told my friends that they’d just say that I was ‘found out’ rather than support me. In retrospect, someone did later say that (when I had recovered) and I was appalled.

So. If you feel that way. Seek help, speak to the Samaritans  116 123 in the UK. 

0800 83 85 87 is Breathing Space helpline in Scotland.

Talking is the first step. It helps. Genuinely it does.

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