How am I doing? (Aspergers)

‘So, how are you?’

“.. er..”

I can’t articulate verbally how I am, not sure where to start I guess.

“Stressed” – well yes, emotionally, financially, mentally and probably physically.

“Sore” – head is sore, I’m soaking in noise at work, I’m feeling sore from daft physical pains I’m also having. I know I’m tired.

“Upset” – most of the time I’m sort of feeling something, not sure it’s that or..

“Angry” – now and again. Frustrated at where I am with more than a few things.

“Helpless” – well I can’t ask for help and that’s a big bit of my problems. I also feel I cannot be helped either.

“Unhappy” – can’t think if or when I was last ‘happy’ as such.

“Depressed” – as far as it goes it doesn’t lift.

“Lonely” – I have my kids. I see people daily. I don’t really have anyone as a friend or that I talk with.

– so that’s today. 

Tomorrow will be similar and so will the day after that. 

I hate the way I look, I hate my weight, I hate my day to day life. I’m not looking to sugarcoat anything, I get so far, I keep trying and trying and getting nowhere.

I want to be ‘better’ or to sort of cure myself, but I feel I don’t get the chance. I don’t get the time, I don’t see how I can get help, I don’t think there’s help out there for me anyway.

I do have dark thoughts. I do think I’d rather be dead. I have children and I can’t do that to them. There’s no easy way out like that.

I’ve tried doing all the right things, I’ve tried to think what life I want. I can’t. I’m trapped in my conditioning and my responsibilities. 

I need to work, I lose everything if I don’t. I need to see the kids, I need to try and be there for them.

I know I don’t feel good, I know I look terrible, I think I want not to be as I am, but existing is living on a lower plain and keeping going no matter what. 

I get teary. I want to cry, it never comes. I can’t get to feeling sorry for myself. It’s my mess. I own it. I don’t want sympathy particularly. 

I’m not at an ebb to take on a relationship, I’m not at an ebb to even feel I could start again. What can I seriously offer?

So, I know the theory. I see where I am, I plan to be happier. I count the blessings each day, I set out what I’m grateful for. I go for walks. Do small phone calls to people. I think things aren’t as bad as they seem to me. I go to the doctor, I ask for help, I speak to someone. 

Yeah, I know CBT. I know it, been there and done it. Don’t want particularly to try today. I just want to get to the bit where it’s tonight, I can make food and flop on the sofa for an hour or so.

That’s as good as it gets.

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3 thoughts on “How am I doing? (Aspergers)

  1. hey chic, let me start with giving you permission to feel like shit for a minute. you dont need it– you can give yourself permission– but let me extend that to you, just to show someone (whomever may need a demonstration) how its done.

    all these positive-thinkers can be arrogant twunts sometimes. oh most mean well, but date a couple bipolar woman who complain about their own lives 24/7 but the minute youve got an issue, watch out! “you shouldnt be so negative…” f*** that! do not engage, run for your sanity. (every little bit helps, my friend.)

    let me give you permission to be skeptical. youve been let down enough times, i wont ask you to trust me. its true that in the long run, if you cant trust you cant love. but honestly, no ones perfect and asking for perfect trust from hurt people isnt any more fair then “look on the bright side!” at a funeral.

    of course no one wants to be mired in negativity. but the opposite extreme is just as oppressive. i dont want to hear (a lot) more about your appearance though– i like chubby girls, ive got a little chubby myself and if you hadnt mentioned hating your weight, i wouldnt notice it in the outfit you have on your avatar. im not exactly ugly but i can work with what youve got if im trying to get some appreciation from any gender. just being able to pull off wearing that hat is a sign.

    a good dad is a quality *everyone* wants. i dont know where id find the strength. if you do manage to appreciate *yourself* for that– no ones perfect, man– itll help you continue to be a good dad. call it a shortcut– a good dad is more likely than not, a good person. q.e.d.

    so youre tired. man, i hear you. weve got loads in common (you still dont have to take my word for it, but unlike a lot of people who will tell you the same thing, i do know what im talking about) but youve already decided to muddle through. so lets just say thats what its all about now: muddling through.

    it wont be this hard every day. it wont be this easy every day. so f*** positivity, all that glib shiny happy horsesh**, and just make it about love and sanity.

    what love? what sanity? (lol, i know, right?) well lets face it– even if youre f***ed you still know a few things. right? so that puts you over on people that just bullsh** every day of the week. i mean people who only think theyre happy if its a constantly maintained story they tell themselves. that kind of affirmation, they can keep.

    we need a new affirmation: something like “it aint ALL bad.” 🙂 something that isnt gooey and doesnt smell of a fib.

    today i was checking out this girl, i dunno, 26 to 30-ish, a little chubby (grrr) but you know, ive learned to like skinny girls too. she works in town, so ive probably seen her for a year. but i never thought id have one nice interaction with her. well she was super-freaking-hot today, playing with her phone in the coffee place, tapping her feet, ive never noticed how hot she is until today. are we going to date? almost certainly not.

    last year i had someone she reminds me of. she was one of the two bipolar women ive been involved with in the past year. (youve got to watch out for them; theyre always the first to engage/date you, and the first to drive you up the wall.) i dont need this girl to feel good about myself– part of me says otherwise. find the part of you that thinks that way, and smack it in the face “whats wrong with you?”

    of course i mean it metaphorically. i was physically and (mostly) emotionally abused growing up, so im not telling you to abuse yourself. but if theres only one thing– one thing! to “snap out of,” definitely find whatever part of you ties self-esteem to affection, and kill it. and make sure its dead.

    tie your self-esteem to an honest, FAIR evaluation of who you are. thats the hardest thing youll ever have to do, so its all uphill from there. (ok, thats a fib. but its still pretty good logic, and we enjoy logic, dont we?)

    and for the times when being fair to yourself isnt enough, youve got to find love wherever it comes from– im not saying be in a relationship, maybe thats impossible right now– im talking about love. whether its a smile from a girl youre not 100% sure is sincere (how do you know? it often is, you know– not always, but often) or a hug from a friend (if youre cool with that) or just knowing your kids are happy and safe– thats love for sure. its “propter hoc,” (literally, “because of this”) and no fallacy in this case.

    as for me, i cant help it– you look so much like my real-life brother. hes a lot like us, and i love him silly. he has trouble with women and self-esteem, and he just came to see me recently. who was in the car with him? his freaking beautiful new girlfriend, with curly hair and brown eyes that go on for days… (hey, i only looked once.) lucky bastard.

    we take turns being the loser in the family, and i cant begrudge him a thing in the world. every success for him is good for the world, and i love him. i always want him to be happy. i havent got a girl myself, though someone ive had a crush on for a while (shes unavailable, and far away, but love is love) just told me she likes me a lot. you know what? i will take it– because its good.

    and the girl in the coffee shop– well, thats probably not going to go anywhere. but i was leaving for a number of reasons including i liked her too much to stay (its not that im too shy to talk to her, im never too shy and often not shy enough…) but i went back in one time before i left and there she was, coming out the door.

    i got to let her come out first, which resulted in an awkward smile but hey! we were across the room before. she walked past me and it was pleasant.

    maybe thats all i get today, chic. it aint much, is it? but im smiling thinking about it. its not that im not depressed sometimes (90% of 2016, and that hasnt all lifted.) but ive been trying to adapt. you know– to muddle through. i pined for this friend of mine for half of last year, and now that shes moving, i talked her into a kiss.

    a kiss isnt much, when you had a girlfriend and a lover (and perhaps even greater than that, someone to hold you at night) last year. but here is the magic of love, chic– love isnt about quantities. you can make them about that, but its about quality every time.

    forget “gratitude,” just be in it for love. and youll have to put the jewelers loupe down (oh i know exactly what it looks like…) and just look for the tiny things that sparkle in your soul. a little less scrutiny and a little more invitation.

    and worst of all, my dear friend, you have to learn to wait when the invitation is sent. thats the hardest part of all, because you have to trust that insignificant moments will be the things that count most in life.

    standing there with the beautiful woman that would be my wife (now divorced,) the first time we stood in each others arms outside my apartment, our arms around each other– that moment was greater than my entire marriage, im afraid.

    then again. its a lot easier to manage. you get someone to notice, to give a sh**, to do something that matters to you– carry (metaphorically) a longer list of things that “count” in your book, and check off every one that happens.

    if youre like me, youre probably quick to disqualify, even quicker to doubt. i couldnt even look at that girl last year– she looked too much like the type that would look at me funny. aint that a pip? i looked at her funny until she became the type that would look at me funny, in my assumption.

    well i do have a nasty habit of being right, chic. but i know im not all the time.

    the moral here in case i wasnt clear before is: you and i have more or less decided to muddle through. lets just make the most of whatever that is. no “positive thinking,” no polishing turds or crapping out rainbows, lets just make the most of this sh**.

    i promise you, youre a little full of sh** about your looks. please, get over that if you can. you can be a d*** to yourself on wednesdays (but its sunday, so cheer the f*** up.) one thing i learned from the gay community is: theres *always* someone that likes your type. you might not like them, and thats *your* problem.

    i say this as a fellow lonely heart, not someone trying to rub anything in your face.

    some years will be good years. some will be terrible. you have to learn to stop using the bad ones to underrate the best ones.

    but either way, you have to take the love you get– not the relationships (some really are too much trouble, believe me.) but just the love. someone does love you today, right now (and i swear, im not talking about religion. but i suppose you could always go that route as well.) but thats humanity for you. they love you, theyre just not great at it.

    i know. you dont have to believe me, but i really do.

    cheers, man. ❤ let me know if you need someone to vent to a little. i will listen. and if you dont want a pep talk, then i wont give you one.

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