‘So, how are you?’
I can’t articulate verbally how I am, not sure where to start I guess.
“Stressed” – well yes, emotionally, financially, mentally and probably physically.
“Sore” – head is sore, I’m soaking in noise at work, I’m feeling sore from daft physical pains I’m also having. I know I’m tired.
“Upset” – most of the time I’m sort of feeling something, not sure it’s that or..
“Angry” – now and again. Frustrated at where I am with more than a few things.
“Helpless” – well I can’t ask for help and that’s a big bit of my problems. I also feel I cannot be helped either.
“Unhappy” – can’t think if or when I was last ‘happy’ as such.
“Depressed” – as far as it goes it doesn’t lift.
“Lonely” – I have my kids. I see people daily. I don’t really have anyone as a friend or that I talk with.
– so that’s today.
Tomorrow will be similar and so will the day after that.
I hate the way I look, I hate my weight, I hate my day to day life. I’m not looking to sugarcoat anything, I get so far, I keep trying and trying and getting nowhere.
I want to be ‘better’ or to sort of cure myself, but I feel I don’t get the chance. I don’t get the time, I don’t see how I can get help, I don’t think there’s help out there for me anyway.
I do have dark thoughts. I do think I’d rather be dead. I have children and I can’t do that to them. There’s no easy way out like that.
I’ve tried doing all the right things, I’ve tried to think what life I want. I can’t. I’m trapped in my conditioning and my responsibilities.
I need to work, I lose everything if I don’t. I need to see the kids, I need to try and be there for them.
I know I don’t feel good, I know I look terrible, I think I want not to be as I am, but existing is living on a lower plain and keeping going no matter what.
I get teary. I want to cry, it never comes. I can’t get to feeling sorry for myself. It’s my mess. I own it. I don’t want sympathy particularly.
I’m not at an ebb to take on a relationship, I’m not at an ebb to even feel I could start again. What can I seriously offer?
So, I know the theory. I see where I am, I plan to be happier. I count the blessings each day, I set out what I’m grateful for. I go for walks. Do small phone calls to people. I think things aren’t as bad as they seem to me. I go to the doctor, I ask for help, I speak to someone.
Yeah, I know CBT. I know it, been there and done it. Don’t want particularly to try today. I just want to get to the bit where it’s tonight, I can make food and flop on the sofa for an hour or so.
That’s as good as it gets.