Diagnosis: You have an Autistic condition, Aspergers Syndrome ICD 10 F84.5.
The System: you do not qualify as disabled.
I thought I had a lifelong condition, diagnosis confirmed my fears.
There was a reason I screwed everything up over my life.
The reason I failed at relationships, had few friends and struggled in every social and people related matter.
I get tired, noises hurt me, lights hurt me. I hear everything all the time, I sleep badly and don’t get a refreshing sleep at any point.
I use energy drinks, coffee to push on every day. I have needed alcohol in the past to function. I’ve only recently pulled myself away from smoking.
I’ve been bad at saving, never good at organising myself to have holidays and generally useless with money.
I dunno, if ‘The System’ says I’m not disabled and certain people say I’m lazy and was better when I was undiagnosed, then maybe my Diagnosis was wrong.
Maybe I don’t have an Autistic condition. Maybe, I’ll stop wearing my glasses and stop taking the tablets. I’ll stop doing the things I think that help me.
I’ll just now believe my meltdowns are temper and behavioural and that I’m simply a bad person.
I’ll stop believing my son is Autistic, after all, if my diagnosis is wrong, then so is his.
I’ve not much faith in anything today.
I’ve tried to get help from NAS, they simply wanted money from me to join a social group. There wasn’t a person to person support as I was led to think.
I’ve tried to apply for PIP. A one year trail of stress and hassle for absolutely nothing.
So, maybe I just see the community mental health team. It’s stress and depression after all if I don’t have Aspergers. They can ‘cure’ me.
Maybe I see the Doctor and say ‘hey doc, give me your really good happy pills’ – y’know the ones that work!’
Maybe I stop trying. Give in. It’ll all unravel soon enough. Without money or my flat, I won’t get to see my kids.
It’s my fault for thinking I had a condition. ‘The System’ said that I don’t after all..