Meltdowns x 3 (Aspergers)

I’m horribly calm now. I had two meltdowns earlier today.

I didn’t function today. I tried but I’m feeling broken. I’m feeling really broken and lost and confused and hopeless.

I got some help from an unlikely source. Yeah, help.

I’m a bit scared and a bit nervous and have my usual tingle but I wasn’t good earlier I switched off completely, then it all just flowed through me and ran out. 

An emotional and verbal sort of puke out of my system.

I can’t say why and how. I melted down on Saturday and that caused everything to go wrong. I was overwhelmed after being tired and sore and not having what I needed.

I find if I have no means to do things that I get much much more aspergersy and not how I want to be.

Had another conversation about how much better I was before dx. 

I guess to others it seemed that way. I must have been excellent at masking. I was so good at it that I couldn’t do much more aside than it. Masking to function. Functioning to mask. Mask, Function, repeat to fade.

The fade, the constant tiredness, the constant sore head, the constant mood, the constant inability to get to where I needed to be. 

Then I think and I get down and I realise I can’t be the person I’m projecting to others through masking.  And the effort and the time and the stress and strain.

I can’t describe anything better. 

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