What Now? 

I’m still ‘processing’ last week to a large extent. 

I had that bad feeling beforehand, but didn’t realise how cheated I’d feel or how much I felt set up by the verbal based hearing. 

Clearly, the Doctor on the panel didn’t like me having a pop at the medical professional in my statement and my questioning what happened at the interview.

I’m still stunned that I answered the questions on work and driving from him. I should’ve refused those questions as neither are relevant to how I was, what I thought was wrong with me and what I applied for.

I can’t afford to dwell over it all too much. The damage is done. It’s pretty horrible and now pretty uneasy for me. 

The feeling I have is that any future attempt that I make to get ‘help’ will be rebuffed. I won’t be going near NAS anytime soon.

Now I know that I’m not the same as those at ‘my group’. I can’t face going again. 

I liked it, genuinely did, but there was always something stopping me going and I think I’d better give up.

I think the paperwork for it all should go away, gets boxed up and forgotten. 

Even if things change in future,  I have no appetite to face humiliation of this sort again. 

To not be listened to, to be put down, to have medical practitioners deliberately use my inabilities against me.

Fortunately, I do have time off  just now and I’m with my younger kids. I’m reflecting after a day with them and having enjoyed their company. 

I have to focus on future on anxiety and it’s triggers and depression and it’s triggers. 

I have to figure out the shouty aggressive episodes that I do and figure calmness and avoiding stress, people and situations 

Maybe I do the colouring in books for mindfulness. I maybe get offline more and read. I’ve neglected reading books. 

I can’t fix things financially, that’ll take a long long time. I can’t fix things with work and I can’t fix anything else that’s wrong really. 

I don’t think I want company and people, I will need to be honest and just be able to do what I can. I believe I’m okay myself and I’ll cope.

I think on my own terms is all I can do. My words get twisted against me. I know there’s little reason to hope and it’d be naive to do so.

Struggle on as I did until I was 41. Think logically on what has helped me, keep working on the light and noise stuff. Block out things that cause discomfort. Move on.

Focus on my kids. They are my life and my love and my light. I’ve had my time and I just need to be there for them and it’s selfish to think in terms of happiness for me. 

My motivation needs to change, my focus, my concentration. I can be as I have been or I look further ahead and wider at what the kids need.

Maybe simplify things in future and look again at my life. I think it’s about enabling the kids and seeing beyond myself. 

It’s hard and difficult and not nice, maybe I needed the brake applied on thinking I was different that way and maybe in time I’ll reflect that it’s a good thing.

Anyway, a long, random and unfocused post, I’ll not be seeking an audience for this one as I did in the past with previous posts.

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