The way home..

So, I miss the 1806 by a minute, I check realtime for next train 1818.

I find platform get on train and wait. It gets busier. A woman sits diagonally across from me. 

I shift my jacket rucksack and shopping bag so I’m not blocking inside seat. I also place in my earplugs as more people get on. I’m already wearing my blue lense glasses.

Then a Blonde, Slim, attractive woman in a dress sits across from me.  

The phone screen literally cannot be big enough now, I’m reading an article online and I’m trying not to look anywhere else and basically am a bit terrified.

Now, it’s absolutely my issue. She could be married, a lesbian or anything, no reason to suppose anything.  I just kind of got flustered and then tried to just get myself through to getting off the train. 

Thankfully it was a quick journey and I got up as early as I could for the train door.

8 minutes or something. She was wearing a dress and there were arms and legs and hair and makeup.

Did I look properly?, definitely not.

What does it mean? It means that subconsciously, I do look and am attracted to women.

 I know my limits on communication and understanding everything that goes on. I look awful, I’m overweight and I need my ‘blues’ anyway.

So I know my own issues, I see a mirror, I won’t pretend I’m something I’m not and I won’t deceive myself either. I have three kids too.

So I try not to look, I generally steer clear and keep myself away from looking or seeming or being inappropriate.

I’ve rarely been out socially in years and I doubt I can do drinking/pubbing/clubbing to any degree. 

Alcohol might be nice in a way, but I know it’s effects and the limits that I have with it too.

I’m not suddenly going to sprout hair or get thinner and that’s all down the list of things I need.

I doubt I have time and ability to make sense of all of that and after failed previous relationships. I doubt I can succeed at it either.

So it’s catch 22. A vague idea that someone female would be nice balanced against a bit of fear in terms of interacting. 

The worst thing was probably that I was reading an Elle article about Involuntary Celebacy on the train before I moved around and got flustered. 

I’m sort of worried and sort of unsure enough of myself after recent events and I’m still a bit off.

I know I’m scared of women and I’m scared on interacting and I’m generally not good at any of it.

The article on involuntary celibacy was a bit scary too and I don’t want to be too far down that road either. 

I can suppose on being happy or settled or sorted or more comfortable in future.

But again, it’s figuring out a lot of stuff and getting in a position of being happier with myself.

Next time on the train, I’ll stare at the floor.