I’m having a tear in my eyes. I’m bubbling. I did what I needed to do today and now I’m indulging myself with a cry.
I don’t often indulge myself, as the years have went on I’ve realised my dreams in my youth and twenties wouldn’t be realised. I wouldn’t have the perfect true relationship, I wouldn’t have the life I wanted.
So, things change to here and now, little need for regret or wishes.
Practicality. What next. What’s to do? I keep going. There’s not much philosophy behind it. It’s a steady will not to give in, not to be beaten.
I used to say ‘broken’ but, that’s sort of wrong. I’m can take a lot of emotional punishment, but I still hurt.
The ‘bulletproof vest’ might have dents and marks but it still works. I don’t take it off, slow to engage, slow to trust, hard to get past the outside.
I do care, maybe I never show it. I do feel and hurt the same as others.
I’ve taken a real emotional going over with the last year. I’ve had so much to contend with. I’ve plowed on.
Alone. No one with me, no one there for me as friend or family.
My family are my kids. They are my world and my everything.
I enjoyed being with them today. Had a good day, but at days end, it’s me and a screen.
I take comfort from ‘online friends’, I know they are real/not real, I know it’s a link to the world I wouldn’t have otherwise, i know it’s not the same as a phone call or a text or a chat.
I bubble and cry from feelings and mood and loneliness.
I miss touch and feel and contact and nearness. At same time I can be awful at that, cold to those near me that need it.
I try very hard with the kids and to be at their level. I’m maybe different as ‘dad’ to ‘me’, I don’t have the skill set to do that as a friend or more.
I don’t think there’s a fairytale female figure who’s like me and understands and is my age and the right fit. The person that could pick me up, fix my dents, make me happy.
I don’t want meaningless contact with people, I don’t want to push myself into looking for someone or someone that doesn’t probably exist.
Deep under it all, I’m a soppy romantic and I think of soulmates and that sort of instinctive love. It may well be s product of fictional movies and merely just a writer ‘s creation. I guess I’d rather believe in it than not.
So, a soft core with a hard outer shell, older, weathered, grounded and real. Bubbling for could have been different and I wish I could.
Tomorrow, I rise again. Do what I need to do. Be ‘dad’, be me.
I advise myself that time heals, hurt is temporary. Nothing is always forever and things change and move on. I know my cod psychology and my motivators and stressors and my impacts and to tread lightly as everyone has something going on.
It’s not unfair. It’s not just me. It’s not my fault, it’s not all for me to ‘own’ or be responsible for.
But right now, I’m not the self actualised Warror or Wizard figure. I’m the Orphan just needing to have that time to be hurt and to process it.
I’ll be fine, always am. Right now just isn’t that moment though.