The way home..

So, I miss the 1806 by a minute, I check realtime for next train 1818.

I find platform get on train and wait. It gets busier. A woman sits diagonally across from me. 

I shift my jacket rucksack and shopping bag so I’m not blocking inside seat. I also place in my earplugs as more people get on. I’m already wearing my blue lense glasses.

Then a Blonde, Slim, attractive woman in a dress sits across from me.  

The phone screen literally cannot be big enough now, I’m reading an article online and I’m trying not to look anywhere else and basically am a bit terrified.

Now, it’s absolutely my issue. She could be married, a lesbian or anything, no reason to suppose anything.  I just kind of got flustered and then tried to just get myself through to getting off the train. 

Thankfully it was a quick journey and I got up as early as I could for the train door.

8 minutes or something. She was wearing a dress and there were arms and legs and hair and makeup.

Did I look properly?, definitely not.

What does it mean? It means that subconsciously, I do look and am attracted to women.

 I know my limits on communication and understanding everything that goes on. I look awful, I’m overweight and I need my ‘blues’ anyway.

So I know my own issues, I see a mirror, I won’t pretend I’m something I’m not and I won’t deceive myself either. I have three kids too.

So I try not to look, I generally steer clear and keep myself away from looking or seeming or being inappropriate.

I’ve rarely been out socially in years and I doubt I can do drinking/pubbing/clubbing to any degree. 

Alcohol might be nice in a way, but I know it’s effects and the limits that I have with it too.

I’m not suddenly going to sprout hair or get thinner and that’s all down the list of things I need.

I doubt I have time and ability to make sense of all of that and after failed previous relationships. I doubt I can succeed at it either.

So it’s catch 22. A vague idea that someone female would be nice balanced against a bit of fear in terms of interacting. 

The worst thing was probably that I was reading an Elle article about Involuntary Celebacy on the train before I moved around and got flustered. 

I’m sort of worried and sort of unsure enough of myself after recent events and I’m still a bit off.

I know I’m scared of women and I’m scared on interacting and I’m generally not good at any of it.

The article on involuntary celibacy was a bit scary too and I don’t want to be too far down that road either. 

I can suppose on being happy or settled or sorted or more comfortable in future.

But again, it’s figuring out a lot of stuff and getting in a position of being happier with myself.

Next time on the train, I’ll stare at the floor. 

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What Now? 

I’m still ‘processing’ last week to a large extent. 

I had that bad feeling beforehand, but didn’t realise how cheated I’d feel or how much I felt set up by the verbal based hearing. 

Clearly, the Doctor on the panel didn’t like me having a pop at the medical professional in my statement and my questioning what happened at the interview.

I’m still stunned that I answered the questions on work and driving from him. I should’ve refused those questions as neither are relevant to how I was, what I thought was wrong with me and what I applied for.

I can’t afford to dwell over it all too much. The damage is done. It’s pretty horrible and now pretty uneasy for me. 

The feeling I have is that any future attempt that I make to get ‘help’ will be rebuffed. I won’t be going near NAS anytime soon.

Now I know that I’m not the same as those at ‘my group’. I can’t face going again. 

I liked it, genuinely did, but there was always something stopping me going and I think I’d better give up.

I think the paperwork for it all should go away, gets boxed up and forgotten. 

Even if things change in future,  I have no appetite to face humiliation of this sort again. 

To not be listened to, to be put down, to have medical practitioners deliberately use my inabilities against me.

Fortunately, I do have time off  just now and I’m with my younger kids. I’m reflecting after a day with them and having enjoyed their company. 

I have to focus on future on anxiety and it’s triggers and depression and it’s triggers. 

I have to figure out the shouty aggressive episodes that I do and figure calmness and avoiding stress, people and situations 

Maybe I do the colouring in books for mindfulness. I maybe get offline more and read. I’ve neglected reading books. 

I can’t fix things financially, that’ll take a long long time. I can’t fix things with work and I can’t fix anything else that’s wrong really. 

I don’t think I want company and people, I will need to be honest and just be able to do what I can. I believe I’m okay myself and I’ll cope.

I think on my own terms is all I can do. My words get twisted against me. I know there’s little reason to hope and it’d be naive to do so.

Struggle on as I did until I was 41. Think logically on what has helped me, keep working on the light and noise stuff. Block out things that cause discomfort. Move on.

Focus on my kids. They are my life and my love and my light. I’ve had my time and I just need to be there for them and it’s selfish to think in terms of happiness for me. 

My motivation needs to change, my focus, my concentration. I can be as I have been or I look further ahead and wider at what the kids need.

Maybe simplify things in future and look again at my life. I think it’s about enabling the kids and seeing beyond myself. 

It’s hard and difficult and not nice, maybe I needed the brake applied on thinking I was different that way and maybe in time I’ll reflect that it’s a good thing.

Anyway, a long, random and unfocused post, I’ll not be seeking an audience for this one as I did in the past with previous posts.

Doctor Who s10 e12 The Doctor Falls.

Sometimes, The Doctor himself, is the story.

This episode was feature length and had a lot to draw on from Series Ten as a whole and from the previous episode, World Enough and Time, in particular.

Missy, The Master, Nardole and Bill. 

Cybermen, Mondasian Cybermen.

The Twelfth Doctor is trapped at the start by Missy and the Master as more and more Cybermen assemble in the city. 

We see the Doctor turn tables on his arch-enemies and significantly Missy whacks the Master before Nardole saves the day with a shuttlecraft to them all to escape in.

Then, we shift pace to a seemingly pastoral scene. Floor 507 which is one of the ‘solar farms’ for the huge spaceship. 

An injured doctor carried by Cyberman Bill from the mess of the used shuttlecraft that had bashed through floor by floor. An iconic scene and memorable visual.

Floor 507 is a rural scene with children and the knot-top cyberman as bizarre scarecrows in the fields.

Yes, but, in this sci-fi rurality, the part cybermen are rebuffed whilst the farmsteaders shoot out their later weapons at the knot-tops. 

Possibly enough on its own as a story of resistance and struggle.

But, the ‘Exodus’ Cybermen will inevitably follow floor by floor and Nardole knows he’ll have to figure out a plan to evacuate the homesteaders as the injured Doctor recovers.

Cyberman Bill is left to herself in a Barn but she is seen as her old self, It takes a child with a mirror to make her realise the fear that others have of her Cyberman self and for the penny to drop that she’s beyond help.

The Doctor then appears, giving the child a kindly jelly baby and trying to comfort Bill. 

Now, the Doctor can’t ‘fix’ Bill, As the Master cruelly reminds him, he was two hours too late reaching that bottom floor. He does get Cyberman Bill’s help in fashioning an escape for the farmstead people.

Whilst this is going on, The Master and Missy scheme. 

They have a way out and despite desperate pleas from the Doctor, neither will stand with him as he intends to face the Cyberman hordes to allow the people to escape.

All they can then do is betray each other. Missy stabs him, the Master shoots at her with his screwdriver.

True to their natures, for all their menace and threat.

The Master does as you expect, but Missy perhaps had a long road to redemption cut from her.

The Doctor will never know that she turned good and he faces the Cybermen alone with his screwdriver and the traps laid by Nardole. 

Numbers eventually tell and The Doctor is overwhelmed, beaten and shot at. 

He blows up floor 507 to destroy the Cybermen.

Nardole succeeds in evacuating the people to the next highest solar farm level. In the twisted timestream of the giant ship, he may have given them a lifetime.

‘Without Hope, Without Witness, Without Reward’

River Song’s words, lived out by the Twelfth Doctor saving people on a doomed Mondasian colonist ship part headed for a black hole. 

Dilated by time, damaged by the Master and Missy, thrown by his companions conversion. 

Alone on the surface, ready to die, the Doctor fell.

Just enough time for a Whovian Miracle.

Heather from ‘The Pilot’ or the ‘girl with a star in her eye’ saves Bill, through her watery alien-ness and they together save The Doctor and they deliver him back to the TARDIS.

We’re back to Capaldi and the Snow as at the start of the previous episode, He fights regeneration off. 

Doesn’t want to, wants to stay the same, his glowing arm ends are placed firmly into the snow.

Then he sees a figure in the snow, himself. The Doctor, not a Doctor, The Doctor. 

The one we call the First Doctor.

Opinion/Verdict

Solid 9/10. I liked and it delivered emotionally.

We didn’t want Bill ending up a Mondasian Cybermen, we didn’t want a real reset/paradox with The Master dying. We didn’t really want a resolution with Missy either.

We didn’t want Nardole dying pressing the button. 

We got emotion, we got Capaldi’s Twelfth Doctor as he should be. 

Not the ‘Am I a good man?’ that started this character but an evolution of the Doctor and an addition to the myth of the show. 

He tried and nearly succeeded to make Missy good, he outwitted Davros, he didn’t fall and confess to the Time Lords after being betrayed, losing ‘his Clara’.

Series Ten delivered for Capaldi and yet he has the Christmas episode and our parting gift from Steven Moffat being we see the Thirteenth Doctor.