My Notes this week.

I sort of had a mixed week.

I’m aware of the things I do and kept my head down at work. Tried to be quiet and tried to just think my way about people.

Stupidly I reacted to something daft, that upset me.

Made me think and my trusty notebook was used. I write, so it’s paper. 

Avoidant.

Rejection Sensitivity.

Asociality.

Introversion.

Misanthropy.

A few things that lead on from one another and I could very very safely say that AvPD – avoidant personality disorder could be very easily self diagnosed without much effort. 

Professionally? Depends on the questions and if I’d really really wish to go that far along the line.

Social interaction is an issue and I go so far in ability. It’s down to trust and my bullshit radar. 

I certainly don’t go out my way to make or keep good impressions and I don’t try to be false or create a false image of myself.

Perhaps that’s an element of over-honesty and perhaps it relates back to my diagnosed condition. 

Now, the issue is saying to myself, particularly after my PIP experience whether I need to look at the route of asking the GP and getting another Psych appointment in the near future.

I know my diagnosis is comorbid with depression and low mood, poor communication, lack of friends, lack of interest in people, and that could easily point me toward the avoidant personality disorder. It might be marginal though.

There’s the Social Phobia angle and given my life since around 2013, that’s understandable. I have withdrawn and I’ve had the whack of diagnosis and other ‘heavy’ things  happening in my life. 

I can rationalise the issues and talk myself around them. I can also see a degree of comfort in being self aware.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and sessions of ‘how are you’ today and ‘maybe today go to another shop’ or ‘maybe phone x,y or z’ isn’t what I want to do. 

I saw through CBT on my first engagement with it. I can accept talking therapy but with limitations. 

I can’t just talk in the way a CBT structure seeks the person to do.

This (written) is my best method of communication, without exception. No stumbling, no processing the environment or other person/people.

I understand Social Rejection. I experience it every day. I know how groups work and I am the outsider. I don’t try for another role. Been there and done that. 

I can one on one relate and get on with people to an extent, but add more people in and the results worsen. 

I could think to try again, but experience says there’s little that I can apply to it from what I’ve learned about myself more recently.

‘Perception is Reality’ and sometimes it’s not worth the effort to try and overturn people’s opinions. Much of the time I don’t genuinely give a hoot as to what people think of me. 

The lack of that mirror inside me, my honesty and directness means that I’m unlikely to change much on that account.

Now, whether that means I think it’s my condition plus one or more personality issues might be going a bit far.

Asociality or being Anti-Social, might be something, but I’ve had friendships, relationships and I veer toward the company of others even when I do feel excluded or not part of things. 

Again, there’s the Social angle there too, by not having the worldview around me, and not trying to change any perceptions, but it’s the internal compass and honesty filter again. 

Introversion? I can plead guilty to that, there’s been a lot of soul searching over the condition and what I do and how I do it. I know there’s a need for me to control things and getting ‘help’ hasn’t been easy. 

My decisions after PIP haven’t helped either. I can’t be part of ‘that’ community if I’m not seen as disabled enough and I had a difficult text chat with the one friend I made from that group recently too, as I just couldn’t/wouldn’t  involve myself in pushing the local council on their services for adults with that condition too.

Not the right answer or a very personable one, but an answer that was right for my moral code/philosophy.

Misanthropy. Now, that’s a push. 

Not by design or intent. I do despair at the human condition, at the mind bogglingly stupid television, media and internet. I hate low brow celebrity tittle tattle.

I despise people who are’ look at me’. I find the forced ‘look how good my life’ bullshit on Facebook depressing and turgid.

I don’t seek to start conversation. Of course, I don’t have ‘small talk’, if the classic diagnosis of my condition is true.

Well, the thing is, that I do, I learned it over the years, it’s by no means natural, but it’s in there. 

I’d say Misanthropy is a bit too far, I’d settle on avoidant and be okay with sensitive to rejection and accept a degree of introversion and being antisocial.

I don’t seek opportunity to be with others, I don’t really need interaction. I know that I don’t seek attention or particularly want to stand out in anyway. I can at times push those margins for people or reasons but again that can be through circumstance.

So, what have I learned, what do I do? 

It seems my ‘reactions’ upset people, even if by chance I’m right. I think that means more and better self discipline and not blurting out my immediate thoughts. 

There’s some philosophical thinking needed, as well as research and a very slow and steady but sure grasp toward being less isolated and having a tolerable but necessary amount of social contact.

I don’t want to be a person that’s involuntary celibate and over time, I’d like to at least pick up the threads again to a level of friendship with the other sex.

To get there means at least working on my other day to day issues on people and dealing with social phobia and that introspection.

Now whether I think there’s a need for medical intervention is different. I’m self taught on psychology and it’s looking at sociology and philosophy a little bit more to figure what I can learn and do and adopt into my life.

Change isn’t easy. Recognising change is a step, but I’m not working from a plain sheet of paper and I’ll have to weave my way though what I have and who I am.

Yeah, I know…

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