I’ve seen a website that’s upset me. 

It’s about the condition and uses heartless as a descriptor. 

It describes the experiences of spouses of the condition I have.

It’s brutal. It’s difficult to read and it’s upsetting. It uses quotes from Tony Atwood and Simon Baron-Cohen, it has many quotes from people affected as partners, wifes and spouses.

I can understand why though.

The lack of communication, sometime mutism, difficulty in understanding, lack of ’empathy’, lack of response, inabilities emotional and communicative.

I’ve had that toward me from other humans too, ‘Normal’ people.

From childhood. Mocked, excluded, not part of things, bullied, picked on, taken the piss out of, beaten, hit, verbally abused.

Looks, silences, sudden ends to conversations, not allowed to participate, not asked, ‘not for you’.

I’m not trying to seek sympathy. I’m not trying to score points.

It works both ways, the innate abilities ‘normal’ people have through hitting their childhood developmental milestones ‘normally’ are a gift. 

It’s an ability for life with so much human communication being non-verbal, implied and where people don’t have to speak well to get on.

I don’t have that. 

Never have, so I compensate with what I think is right and proper behaviour, try to be polite and respectful, try to not have one sided long winded chats. 

Try not to be frustrated at things and do what I should do.

And that’s the problem.It’s my brain doing the work, it’s not natural or a given. 

It’s things that I’ve learned or mimicked or picked up. 

It’s now partly habitual as part of who I am. The stilted small talk is part of me, as are the stock phrases about weather or whatever. Is there a point to doing it? I know there isn’t and everyone does it anyway, that’s the human thing.

I wonder about the actual point of the stuff I’ve read. It’s mainly from a female perspective, but warns about females that have my diagnosis too. 

It selects quotes, clinical evidence and examples and it dives in and out of psychology and sociology. 

It has a feature article that equates my diagnoses to being a psychopath. 

It discusses sociopaths and how to spot someone with my diagnosis.

It has quotes from men that meet women and it turns out that man is a ‘bad man with my diagnosis’. 

Now, knowing that you have the diagnosis and not revealing that information to a potential girlfriend/partner is a fairly bad thing in my view.  Of course, honesty and decency means disclosure, especially if it’s known from youth.

All in all, a read that has pretty much put me off from thinking about what I was thinking about. Pushed me a bit closer to my thoughts that I should just be alone.

It’s given me food for thought on my previous failed relationships. But obviously when I was undiagnosed, I wasn’t aware of these bad tendencies that this website about heartless people says that people with my condition have. 

Perhaps, I need to go and ask, ‘ hey doc, I have this, but now I’ve read that I’m heartless and aloof, can you stick me down with some psychotic too?’

I don’t believe I’m heartless. I don’t think my definition of heartless and theirs are the same. 

I’ve previously been selfless to the point of reckless, I’ve been naive in trusting people, I’ve gotten into messes my own instincts would never have allowed, I’ve been cajoled and pushed into things I didn’t necessarily feel were right at the time. 

Emotional blackmail? At some points in my life I have been subject to that and sometimes I don’t even let on that I knew I was being pushed that way too.

If I’m heartless, then I can console myself that I’m not the blackest soul out there. If  I’m without empathy, then I know there are others considered Normal with much less empathy than me. 

There’s the trite old phrase about being ‘as black as you’re painted’. I find over time and with experience that people may not initially like me or want to like me. I’m blunt and honest. I don’t lie and at times won’t lie. 

In the end, at least I mainly do the right thing and mainly try and make things better. It’s not hearts and flowers and honey laden words. 

Maybe I’m heartless, but I’ve been heartbroken enough times to know emotional hurt and the ways and things that people can do in minor and major ways to hurt people. It’s never easy and it’s not nice and certainly I may not always know when I’ve done wrong and exactly how I’ve done it, but I’d wager I’m no different to most ‘Normal’ men.

I can understand the sentiment and reasoning behind the website that I read and I get the hurt and pain and anguish that these void relationships have and I can understand a warning set out to say don’t go near men like that.

I’ll just have to wait and see if I do involve myself ever again. Maybe there are women out there that share my diagnosis too, understanding and acceptance is all I’ve ever wanted.


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