Nothing to Say?

I’m unsure that I’ve had literally or actually nothing to write about recently, it’s more like I haven’t wanted to. 

I’ve been in the routine in terms of work and the kids. I’ve not really stopped for thought. 

To an extent, I’ve tried to fill my head with other things and have been consuming twitter and Television of an evening.

I’ve been trying to drink healthier stuff, been trying to not take as much coffee.

I don’t know much else that I can say. I’m dealing with the sensory stuff too as best I can.

 I’ve given up on the ‘blues’, my blue lensed glasses as an answer. I need them on occasion, but I’m trying to limit their use. In some places, no glasses or unfocused vision blurs the effect of lighting.

I’ve had a few things that upset me, I can’t be specific. I don’t want to be obsessive over detail.

As usual, I’m not much further forward with things or generally any happier.

I know moods can fluctuate and keeping a pattern and a regular way of doing things in an ordered way can help. 

Chaos and unexpected things do throw me and I’ve suffered a little as  events unfold.

I’ve been trying to eat better and think around food a little more after my trials and tribulations with trousers recently. I’ve maybe lost some weight.

I feel I’ve slept a bit better recently but with some bad nights here and there.

I’ve stuck to keeping away from disability and the two big ‘A’ words. 

I’ve been thinking on Anxiety and Depression as the key factors that weigh on me and trying little things here and there. 

I recognise when I’m less functional and the way the unknown and unexpected hit me.

Sometimes it’s force myself to get through things and other times not so much. Good days are few, but can and do happen.

I think the pattern of functioning days is ok, not good or great. It’s mainly ‘enough’.

I’d probably benefit from some ‘help’, talking through the anxiety and getting the depression lifted a bit. 

CBT won’t work as the first step is ‘talk to friends’, I don’t have anyone I feel that I could do that with.

I don’t want to use my work health helplines as they will report back or ask my work HR.

I don’t know on understand the function of the Autism Resource Centre in Glasgow and I’m not much minded to go near NAS after the time I’ve wasted talking to them.

I could ring a crisis line, I could do the late night mental health helplines although I don’t think that’s me using them for the right purposes.

I feel pushed on Money all the time, I can’t buy things that help. 

My gas and electric near doubled the other month and I can’t phone for help on things like that without having a meltdown, the stress of phoning to get someone that isn’t an English speaker is too much.

Christmas stresses the hell out of me and I really get upset at the money side of it.

I get thinking that I’m lonely, then I realise the circle I’m in. 

I usually want to be left alone, I try a bit and do what I can, I get rejected/don’t fit with people, I then get frustrated and my behaviours put people off me. 

No friends/ family means I’ll probably never date/go out with a woman in my life again.

I’m likely to be alone and single the rest of my life. I don’t like that idea, but for someone to ‘get me’ understand is unlikely.

I’m now 44. It’s called involuntary celibacy and anything that I’ve seen online about it scares the hell out of me and I find that’s a situation I really don’t want to be in. 

But I’ll need to face it, as I can’t give back the interaction that someone might expect. 

I’ve read the things on the Jo Cox commission on lonlieness and the statistics, particularly on life expectancy and along with the autism/aspergers life expectancy stuff, I’m highly susceptible to these issues. 

Not much I can do. I might be smart enough to realise the trouble in front of me, but I don’t have the abilities to improve things and that depression and anxiety mean my limited skills aren’t at their best in terms of communications.

It’s nothing and everything in summary, not much has changed, nothing is really any better. I guess I can drift along so long and then something goes wrong in terms of demands and mood.

In short, some help would be nice but the way people with my condition are treated means it’s unlikely and I’ll just have to struggle on.

Since my first draft of this, things are even worse. I’m now very very stressed and upset, I’m really feeling in a quandary about using Mental Health resources but there’s no other help available. 

My experience with PIP has me reluctant to contact my GP.  There’s no local help I can see that will help me either. 

I don’t want to have another breakdown but it might be only way to have any help or be given ongoing support. It’s a grim thought and I really just want help in staying as I am rather than going into a real crisis situation.

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