I usually write with a pre-formed idea of a subject.
Today, I’m probably writing something that’s been in my head and sort of given for a while.
I’m separated and have been for a while and as the months go on, I enjoy that some things are easier for me and that I cope better and that I do better.
Then, again. I’m on my own.
There’s me and the walls and the TV.
The distraction is there, I can watch things, I can be online, but I’m not going out, I’m not with people (apart from when the kids are here.)
And that’s it. I’m realising that I’m lonely.
I’ve written before on the fear of involuntary celibacy and to an extent that’s where I am.
I guess I can challenge involuntary as I’m not going out and I’m not meeting people. Simply, I just don’t have confidence to do that.
I’m maybe unsure about moving on, I’m unsure that I’m ‘worth it’ and I have this dread of ruining someone else’s life. I’m complex and not easy and I’m certainly no ‘catch’.
I can think ‘deserve to be happy’ or ‘try to have a life’ but, do I accept what and who I am enough to forgive myself the things that I need to?
How do I take myself forward enough to do that and if I am ready, then how can I push myself to try?
As I said, part formed thoughts in my head that I’m expressing imperfectly.
I don’t think I’ll ever get that part of my life right. So, do I give up?
I’m older, I’m broken in terms of the thing I have and maybe I just accept that it’s a social thing and a can’t do.
Maybe I find other things to occupy myself and just try harder to lose the thoughts.
Maybe in time and by not looking or not thinking about it, then I’ll just be happier.
But is that giving up?
I’ve only seen the ‘first dates’ and ‘undateables’ stuff in passing and I cringe and I get uncomfortable at the thought of being the person filmed and being ‘entertainment’ for the masses. ‘This week’s condition’.
I also try and think out of myself and maybe I deserve it, maybe I’m getting what’s due.
I’m not perfect, I get things wrong. I do it again and again and that’s why I’m alone and there’s reasons for it in my past.
I try and think what others might say or think about me and that’s tough trying to imagine and think it through.
But.. what to think and how to put all of that together enough to make sense, never mind move on.