I played some Big County on my phone and headphones the other day. It got around to ‘Just a Shadow’ and the lyric bit me.
It’s just a shadow of the man you should be.
I can duck and dive day in and day out, but I’m not really the man i was or the man I should be.
The lyric crystallised my thoughts.
I’ve deluded myself that things are better than what they are and I’ve hid from the really uncomfortable truths.
I’m over three years separated and over four from my autistic diagnosis. I’ve lost everyone and I’m pretty much alone.
My attempts to get help have failed and trying for PIP took so much out of me. My attempts to get other help last year proved fruitless and I’m just alone, scared and trying not to fail.
I’m in no fit state for anyone else and although I might think that I need company, I can’t see anything ever happening.
I don’t want to do things myself, where before I could. There’s no one to fall back upon and I’m not looking for pity, sympathy or anything else.
I need to figure out a great deal in order that I can be independent again and feel a bit more satisfied about life.
I see things that are on at the cinema and I dread the thought about going myself. I don’t think I can go out drinking myself either.
It’s a lot of negative things to attempt to process and make sense about.
Confidence and ability take a great deal of work to regain and I feel the loss of those. Functioning and managing day to day is one thing, these are another thing altogether.
For now, I have more humbleness and more accepting to do.
I think I must accept there’s little chance of any new relationship whether emotional or physical. I’m not going to be capable enough to do that.
I must accept that I need to make progress on my loneliness and work at things to make it easier and to try and pick up some threads.
I think I’ve had my chance on many things and that I can try to build a little bit more on my own and take some small steps forward.
I can’t fix all the things I’d like to and I don’t have the skills socially to repair some things in my life.
For now, I can work on things like my weight, anxiety and emotional and mental health. Those are my priorities to ensure that I continue to function and do what I need to do.
Anything else is too far to jump. There’s accepting how I look and how old I am and knowing there are limits to my abilities to deal with people or to even figure out everything else.
It’s a step back to a step forward.
Or it’s looking properly at issues and taking stock of where I was and where I am. Being honest and taking an issue at a time.
I will not wake tomorrow and change. I will not shake it off or find things to be easier one day.
Much to process and figure. Not easy either.