At times we surprise ourselves. It’s the unexpected and maybe a little happenstance as well.
This post below had been long in my mind.
I tried to articulate a slide in my social life and a feeling that being involuntary celibate was likely.
To knock over those assumptions, someone swiped right on me about eight weeks ago and chatted. Didn’t expect that.
I tried. Maybe too much, but I tried, it didn’t work out.
Well, maybe I expected that, but there was that brief rise in mood and a bit of hope. It was nice.
It’s all explainable, temporary self actualisation as per Maslow’s hierachy of needs.
Possibly some serotonin created from the experience and maybe some other positive flows in terms of energy or wellbeing.
I won’t knock it, it was pleasant to feel different and less negatively about myself.
If I refer to my ‘West of Scotland Man’s Manual’ that is still lodged in my head, I’d be throwing shit at everything else except myself for blowing it and hiding behind some machismo or making other excuses.
I can allow myself a few things., I didn’t expect it, I hadn’t planned it, I had no expectations. I tried.
I could say ‘baby steps’, I could say ‘try again’.
But, I was ‘stepping off that escalator’. I was moving away from that and accepting that ‘maybe it’s not for me’.
I had given up, given in.
I thought there was baggage in believing that I could have a relationship again.
I was raw, hurt, broken, low.
I might be a bit less now, but, I’m still confused, I still don’t believe things can work out that way for me and I’m not really wanting more rejection and disappointment.
What’s realistic? What’s reasonable, what’s possible?
Do I have the energy, the faith in myself, the confidence, the ability?
Or is it a dangerous hope that there’s something, The sirens call that keeps me in a sort of loop of failure.
It’s a Friday, I have no responsibilities tonight with the kids, so I worked late, wandered around the shops, got food, got the train and headed home.
Friday being Friday, you see people heading out and I guess I noticed that.
Guess I wondered to myself, but all I had was tired and home and food and tv.
But, that’s what I can do.
Someone reached in to me. That was the one nice bit though.