What if? What if.. what?
Ruminating, thoughts on head, no means to execute them, no firm way ahead.
Hoping. Is hoping ever enough, ever just enough.
Wishing. The feeling that something could change.
The wish, not the reality, the hope, not the actual, the possibility, but never the ability.
In reality, I have a lifeline of sorts and this time I need to use it, it’s help of sorts and I cannot spurn it, or continue on my own and muddling on.
The difficult part in accepting help is my fate in others hands my voice silent and my burden with others.
I do not always carry myself well,
I do not always help myself.
I do not smile at others and greet them with silence.
Yet I must. I need to, I have a means to lighten my load, to not carry all myself.
I struggle on. Bills and debts and problems. People that grate at me, people seen and heard.
The days are short and dark and cold now. I mainly see clearly, I mainly understand and comprehend. I mainly know what I need to have for me and mainly what I need.
I can do that with help. I can get some way myself.
But I hope and I wish and I hold that dream out there too.
Knowing and remembering things from my life and regrets and seeing the foolishness.
Age fixes some things, it makes some clearer or just simpler.
The fog of life is always there, day to day the sea of faces and the noises of people’s mouths. The bustle and hurry and how busy it all is. The day to day.
Holding myself. Keeping still. No words spoken, thoughts retained. The right time, not the perfect time.
But how?, but how To balance the wishes and reality. Can they ever be reconciled by me.