My last post on Aspergers. 

I received my PIP Tribunal letter. I’m only worthy of the 2 points for difficulties in communication.

I’m not Disabled then. 

I’m hurt. I tried and ultimately the verbal traps got me both at the medical interview and Tribunal. 

I wouldn’t know or understand the verbal traps. The time I took to explain how i am to them was wasted. The letters and my responses 

It’s another cure by DWP. I can’t have difficulties, they’ve said so.

Their nurse and decision maker say I can’t have difficulties as I can drive and I work.

So, The Asperger’s Syndrome I have or thought I had is just a fraud. 

I need to see my GP to see the Community Mental Health Team to see the Adult Autism Unit to get un-diagnosed.

I’m normal. Must be.

My difficulties must be ones that normal able people face. I can’t be autistic or actually autistic then.

If I don’t qualify for PIP then I’m not Disabled. My contemporaries at my former autism coffee group all get PIP, all get help and support. They must be genuine whilst I’m fake.

I apologise to my readers some of who are autistic and actually autistic. I meant no harm. I thought a diagnosis meant that I was, but it’s not enough and it’s not right for me to comment further as I can’t be genuinely autistic.

I thought I was, but the DWP say I don’t qualify for PIP. I shouldn’t need help or support in my life.

I won’t need their financial support. I apparently can manage. I apparently can do everything a normal adult can do. 

So. Thanks if you’ve read my previous posts. I’ve cleared my Twitter of autism and aspergers as obviously I’m not one. I’ll unfollow on WordPress the autism and aspergers blogs too.

The Tribunal was the last point of appeal for me. I can’t do any more myself. They won. I’m cured. I’m not a Disabled or Autistic person.

I now need to ask for the diagnosis to be removed and taken away.

I’m down and I will be for a long time. I’m sorry but I don’t believe I’ll be able to read replies to this post, even if well intentioned. 

I’ll now concentrate on trying to keep my job, trying to keep seeing my children. Trying to keep from further debt and financial mess. 

I’m not autistic any more, so I’ll have time and ability to try all that.

Again. My apologies if you’ve read my posts under autism, ASD or aspergers before, I’ll remove the post tags.

Tailspin 

Sometimes, I know that my mood and anxiety are worse. Like it is just now and has been in recent weeks.

I’ve struggled since having to attend the PIP interview in February and the first PIP decision in March. I think the pressure of that has told on me. 

It’s been a background worry and just a constant thing on my mind.

The ‘lost’ PIP2 form last year, The waiting for the first decision, the waiting for reconsideration and the realisation my only hope was the Tribunal.

Feeling a bit more hopeless each time I was rejected and feeling frustrated and lost and not listened to.

The lead up to the Tribunal meant about 80-100 pages were posted to me. 

Initially, that was quite intimidating and a set back in terms of seeing so much paper. 

Basically, I had an early night after seeing it in envelope. It looked overwhelming.

Leafing through it later, I realised it contained my PIP1, PIP2 forms, paperwork on the lost PIP2 and that most of the other content was actually from me. 

There were copies of their decision letters and the only insight to their decision basis was the written account of the interview I had with the Healthcare Professional.

The decisions are short and to the point though, but hard to understand the perspective, anything I said wasn’t enough or commented on negatively.

Seeing the medical report properly made a real difference and became very clear that my impression of it and their impression of that interview were very, very different. 

I go on Wednesday to the tribunal. 

I started in May 2016, thinking maybe a little help. I had read comments saying don’t be put off applying. 

I particularly thought of the Survival pamphlet by the late Marc Segar – ‘try not to see it as cheating. If you have had a hard enough life then perhaps you deserve this.’

I had read into PIP, I was at a stage after diagnoses where I thought I understood condition and how it affected me (a year and a bit after diagnosis)
My mindset is now that if I lose, I lose. 

I’ll have to adjust to being ‘slightly’ disabled or not the same as the autistic people I’ve met in person. It may mean I don’t return to groups.

Everyone else in my social group doesn’t work, so it very weird.

I truthfully haven’t thought that I’ll ‘win’ or get PIP.

I’m at the stage of thinking, that it’s more about the principal of the thing. 

I’ve asked for help, described my life a bit and been truthful. Did all I can in terms of using my written skills. I guess I can only attend, see/hear what’s said and try to note as much as I can.

It’s been a journey. 

I’ve learned a great deal about trying to do things on my own and being unsupported, but it’s been stressful, horrible and has had me beat a few times. 

I’m maybe being downright stubborn, I’m maybe seeing the thing too literally, but some help maybe would have been nice.

I said to myself I couldn’t sit through it with a stranger. I didn’t want someone else there at the medical interview. I guess I thought that was too much in communicating and arranging.

If it’s a no from PIP, then I need to find out what actual support is available in my situation. 

I dread talking so maybe I do a script and type it out, maybe I begin thinking about how to go out and do things or be around people. 

That’s scaring me a lot and would be a huge jump from where I am and where I’ve been.

I know the adjustments I need, sound, light, rebound time. I still crash. Lose verbal skills, shut down and need to process how I am over things. 

But, for now I can just hope a little amongst the worry and stress and catastrophe thinking. 

(I’m out and finished and have no idea how it went. it was all a bit scary and got really thrown by my bag being searched before going to waiting room.)

Cutting the Input (Aspergers)

This is a Flare Audio Isolate earplug.
https://www.flareaudio.com/

It has worked brilliantly for me in reducing the noise. The metal is aluminium and its combined with a soft earplug.

So delighted with these I ordered a second pair and extra earplugs.

It doesn’t entirely cut off all sounds, but plenty enough. The ones the annoy me. The near constant ones.

My hands are big as are my ears, but these in my opinion are better than silicone ear plugs. Yes it’s strange, but I’m blue glasses guy anyway. 

I take one out if I need interact. Otherwise both in and it’s great. 

Post Meltdown (Aspergers )

My wifi plays up when kids are here. Too many devices probably. Everything is okay when I’m myself.

My TV remote doesn’t work properly in living room, my autie son broke it as a toddler. I rely on an Apple TV box to rely iplayer to watch any TV.

 My ex moved the TV three times, wired up TV things in bedroom and kitchen that I never wanted and basically the result is I can’t watch conventional TV and neither can the kids. Things were okay until I couldn’t afford sky anymore.

We rely on the BT hub router wifi thing. But when boys are here it goes down two hours at a time. I’m continually told it can’t be their iPads it must be my router.

It went off this morning. My phone or iPad gunges then the kids start shouting and running about and then wanting me to fix it.

I tried calling BT an hour ago. I got a local accent at first, then the call was passed to India. I had to slowly say problem and then recite my phone number. Clearly the call passing doesn’t say where it came from.

I got upset when they insisted on my details. I shouted and screamed that I just wanted help, that their questions were not help.

I upset my youngest son. He ran away from being in same room.

I tried one more time but just screamed again at the call being passed.

I can’t do phone calls anymore. I’m angry at myself. I’m in a post meltdown calm stage and I’m sad, upset and quiet. 

I’m upset I’m scared my downstairs neighbour will call police on me again for shouting and I haven’t fixed problem.

The DWP claim I don’t have anything wrong with me though. I’m worried BT will cut me off as I screamed.

A date and a time (Aspergers)

It’s came in. I have a date and time for my PIP hearing. I’m the usual, anxious, worried, scared, at times terrified. 

I have looked and looked away from the screed of papers. 

I’m writing this on the train, my head has been full. 

I picked the one with ten minutes to go, so I could sit with my bag of food shopping, my rucksack. It’s a better evening than morning so I’m carrying my jacket

I feel warm and sweaty. It’s too hot for me. I’m carrying stuff. 

I’m out of sorts. 

I’ve been uncomfortable walking along Argyle Street from the shop I got food in, I hated how busy it was and all the people and all the eyes. 

I’ve hated the noise of buses on the streets and music coming from the shops. 

I tried avoiding a chugger with ‘sorry bud’ said loud and clearly. 

I’m not enjoying people getting on the train and acting in their demanding way for a seat, especially those walking through the train and coming from behind me and setting off the doors between carriages. 

I’m trying to look away from people I’m willing the train to move, bleeps to go on the outside doors. So I can be a bit less stressed for ten minutes.

The doors close, I feel the air pressure change. Two men are talking 10 metres away at the doors, I’m hearing every word.

 I’m feeling every movement as the train crosses the x’s of the points. 

A family burst through the doors behind me luggage and noise and a women lurches near me with her hair and her smell. I lean away.

The papers from the DWP imply I’m not that bad and things are okay as I’m capable of driving.

A mobile rings on the carriage it’s an insistent grating tone that distracts me, then another different one. 

The train lurches at points at Shields Junction. I’m sweating now. 

I have to move again in my seat as someone is coming right at me to work those doors. It’s like his arm is reaching at me. I’m trying not to react.

I’m not happy, I want this over.

 I have too much stuff with me, Those men keep talking and talking and talking.   

The door again, the same guy coming back into this carriage. The same things as I hear/feel/notice movement.

Hillington. Over soon. The fields now outside. Yellow, must be rapeseed. 

He’s standing again. Why? 

They’re talking. Almost Paisley!!

I’m off. 1757. Phew. I’m standing, breathing.

 I want the train away, the crowd getting off here away. 

I message my daughter. Put everything together and go. 

I walk from the station, people doors, moving around, getting out.

The street, cars zooming past. I feel the rush of air, if my feet are still, the vibration too. 

I’m tense. I want to cross. It’s three lanes, an old wide street made one way. 

I get across, keep moving, there’s a women taking stuff out the Tattoists to their bins, I’m going sideways a bit to avoid her when she comes back. 

I’m past her and away thinking how I think and what I do and what I’ve started writing.

I get to the other crossing point, traffic flowing but a buzz in the air, a helicopter, black one. Lights change I can cross. I stop and take a picture (for you).


I keep going, the buzz is still as loud, rotors. It’s stationary in one place in the air. I want it to go.

 I get near the park, the pavement is narrow and a girl is coming the other way towards me, I speed up, get to wider bit, go through the park.

Helicopter, Fountain, kids playing, people talking, birdsong, trees swaying and the noise of their leafs moving in the wind. Road cars, noise, a truck over a drain over. Clank. 

I’m out the park. Nearly home. The helicopter moves slowly. Still the noise and buzz and loudness.

The outside door, moving my jacket and feeling for keys. I keep reaching in same pocket, I sway, bags. 

Finally keys. 

In and up. Door open door closed. 

Bags down, sweaty shirt off over my head. Shows off. Feet. Ooh.

Then the letter for the tribunal and it’s date and time. They think there’s nothing wrong with me…

F**k’s sake (aspergers)

‘Mild Autism’ – said to me this week.

I’m able to do stuff. Doesn’t mean I want to do it, like doing it, am good at doing it, derive satisfaction from it, find it easy or have no sensory issues in doing it.

Abilist isn’t one of the areas I get into too often but I hate assumptions that I can.