I think I’ve had modest hopes in the last four years. That somehow things would get better, that somehow I could pick myself up again. That maybe I wouldn’t feel the same.
I think recently I’ve felt that hope die. Perhaps it’s an acceptance or an adjustment in my thinking.
I’ve arranged a savings pot that hopefully will take care of my funeral. I’ve steadily attempted to be disciplined and pay things down too.
I’ve worked at little ways not to spend as much.
Ultimately, I still struggle financially every month. I’m pretty much on my own when not at work or with the kids.
I don’t particularly have the tools or ability to change my situation.
So in the face of that it’s accepting what I cannot change.
I can’t change my situation and all I can do is accept.
I accept I’ve got my time restrictions, I accept I’ve got my financial restrictions, I accept my front head baldness and back head greyness.
I accept my build and weight. I accept I’m autistic.
I’ve been looking for online advice for accepting that you’re alone and that you won’t be in another relationship. That things are what they are and that it’s just about continuing and going on.
That it is what it is.
No one is realistic going to reach in and drag me out and I’m never gonna reach out in the way others might expect.
It’s my own life, mine to do as I wish.
Bad things happened and I can’t do much about that.
Hurt, loss and pain have happened.
I kept on. I tried. I was there for my kids. I held myself as best I could.
I need just a reassurance that it’s okay to say, yup I’m done with that.
To downgrade and be okay with the rest of my life alone. To not have any daft or stupid hopes. To just know it’s okay not to bother with chasing dreams, leave alone swiping profiles, give up looking at pictures.
The advice out there is that it’s okay and good things happen when you stop looking so hard for them. That you should never give up on dating.
Maybe that’s correct for others, maybe it’s right for people that can do people and have a support network of friends and family.
I’m myself, looking and wandering and just wanting that realistic advice.
‘Yeah you’re wrong side of 40, yeah you’re bald, yeah you’re grey, yeah you’re overweight and you’ve lost what you thought you had.
‘Here’s how to keep it between the lines until you die. Here’s the things to keep you going day after day.’
‘Here’s the tools to be alone and not be bitter and twisted. Here’s the wisdom in leaving women and relationships to others.’
‘Here’s the way to be cool with all that, to know that you tried and tried again.’
Here’s the best way to handle that not working. Here’s how to accept all that stuff without losing your good parts.’
‘Here’s how to avoid being that sympathy project for others.’
‘Here’s how to continue with life on your own terms. Here’d how to maintain your dignity and grace.’
Sadly, none of that advice is really out there. The realism, the objective view on just keeping the head up and keeping going, even if it all went wrong.