Am I a good person?

Oh no Chic.

I know. But it’s been in my mind.

I think it’s possibly a feeling of helplessness and frustration. I’ve being trying to weigh up what my life is and place some sort of relative value on it.

But I get back to ‘bad things happen to bad people’ and then I get into a cycle of thoughts about where exactly I am and attempting to get to.

Maybe not quite giving in, but thinking to myself that I haven’t exactly got anywhere with anything and I’m sort of lost.

When I figure the sacrifices, I sort of still get lost. Time, money/debt, maybe opportunity.

But did I get what I deserved?

I guess. It’s pretty much me and my thoughts. The weekdays sort of run their course. Weekends go faster.

I’m trying to learn earlier bedtimes and more sleep but quite a lot of restless nights in there.

I wonder over the last six/seven years and the toll it’s taken on me.

The things that I muddled though and got past and the sort of feeling that I started broken and it’s still the same. I don’t suppose there’s a metaphor for the pieces not being fixed, but just arranged slightly differently.

I don’t suppose ‘more broken’ is possible. Maybe I’m back to the thought about a bulletproof vest merely having more holes in it than that first time it got punctured.

Damaged once is the worst and the subsequent damage, at the same velocity/force, merely places another mark on it.

I guess it’s a numbness sometimes.

‘Here’s another rubbish situation’

‘Uh. Okay.’

And so on.

Helpless and sometimes feeling oblivious to the impact of all those hits.

Already not having the balance of company, friends and family. So what’s another bad thing?

It’s not a feeling of being ‘worse’, maybe just another bad day on top of another bad day and being no closer to finding or having a good one.

I can wish that everything was better, but I’ve being holding onto that kind of hope for too long.

Which all brings me back to ‘was I unlucky’ ‘did I deserve it?’ ‘Am I a bad person getting my just desserts’

I wonder..

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Downgrade.

I think I’ve had modest hopes in the last four years. That somehow things would get better, that somehow I could pick myself up again. That maybe I wouldn’t feel the same.

I think recently I’ve felt that hope die. Perhaps it’s an acceptance or an adjustment in my thinking.

I’ve arranged a savings pot that hopefully will take care of my funeral. I’ve steadily attempted to be disciplined and pay things down too.

I’ve worked at little ways not to spend as much.

Ultimately, I still struggle financially every month. I’m pretty much on my own when not at work or with the kids.

I don’t particularly have the tools or ability to change my situation.

So in the face of that it’s accepting what I cannot change.

I can’t change my situation and all I can do is accept.

I accept I’ve got my time restrictions, I accept I’ve got my financial restrictions, I accept my front head baldness and back head greyness.

I accept my build and weight. I accept I’m autistic.

I’ve been looking for online advice for accepting that you’re alone and that you won’t be in another relationship. That things are what they are and that it’s just about continuing and going on.

That it is what it is.

No one is realistic going to reach in and drag me out and I’m never gonna reach out in the way others might expect.

It’s my own life, mine to do as I wish.

Bad things happened and I can’t do much about that.

Hurt, loss and pain have happened.

I kept on. I tried. I was there for my kids. I held myself as best I could.

I need just a reassurance that it’s okay to say, yup I’m done with that.

To downgrade and be okay with the rest of my life alone. To not have any daft or stupid hopes. To just know it’s okay not to bother with chasing dreams, leave alone swiping profiles, give up looking at pictures.

The advice out there is that it’s okay and good things happen when you stop looking so hard for them. That you should never give up on dating.

Maybe that’s correct for others, maybe it’s right for people that can do people and have a support network of friends and family.

I’m myself, looking and wandering and just wanting that realistic advice.

‘Yeah you’re wrong side of 40, yeah you’re bald, yeah you’re grey, yeah you’re overweight and you’ve lost what you thought you had.

‘Here’s how to keep it between the lines until you die. Here’s the things to keep you going day after day.’

‘Here’s the tools to be alone and not be bitter and twisted. Here’s the wisdom in leaving women and relationships to others.’

‘Here’s the way to be cool with all that, to know that you tried and tried again.’

Here’s the best way to handle that not working. Here’s how to accept all that stuff without losing your good parts.’

‘Here’s how to avoid being that sympathy project for others.’

‘Here’s how to continue with life on your own terms. Here’d how to maintain your dignity and grace.’

Sadly, none of that advice is really out there. The realism, the objective view on just keeping the head up and keeping going, even if it all went wrong.

Meh.

I don’t know.

‘A man is no-one, a man has no name.’ I’m misquoting Faceless Man Jacquen H’gar from Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire probably.

I think right now, I am feeling that other-less. I stopped looking at the apps that I said I would. I’m still me, but how and why and about what I’m not sure.

What I want and how I get there is up for question and beyond work and parenting, I’m not sure.

Not knowing or ‘I don’t know’ is okay.

I knew I really wasn’t getting anywhere or doing anything useful before, but equally I wasn’t doing any harm. Possibly only to myself.

So, right now, maybe the state of balance isn’t really anything. Maybe it’s a case of getting on with it and accepting that it is what it is.

I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t known how I felt or what I wished to articulate. I didn’t know and maybe for a while I still won’t.

A constant state of uncertainty maybe has a scientific term or whatever but the balance for me psychologically is just being and keeping going.

And yes, I can’t wait to see the next season of GoT in April.

Delivery and Cancellation

I saw a ‘deal’ to upgrade my BT broadband and thought it a good idea. An upgrade to my existing service for not much more.

Then Royal Mail got involved..

A text with a link. We’ll deliver 0921 to 1321.

Fair enough my door entry will work at those times and package fits through my door.

Then a text as I’m going home last night

It wasn’t delivered. So I try texting back. Text back returned undelivered.

I try emailing BT on the email they confirmed my order on. This email doesn’t get read/can’t answer.

I try the websites chat function but it’s pretty clear person at other end, doesn’t understand me.

I try phoning and have to describe everything and give my address. At that point it’s too much and I know I’ll start swearing or shouting, so I try and tell the call handler and hang up.

The parcel was dispatched Thursday. It had a trip to Glasgow and back from Inverclyde before making my delivery office.

So I get a twitter direct message and they’re nice but I end up saying sorry I can’t cope and cancel my order.

It’s my fault and my condition. I’m sure these things happen to others, but I was lied to about delivery yesterday and I don’t want the thing now.

I was wound up over two hours to point of a meltdown by texts and emails that are no reply and a chat function.

When I finally spoke to a person I got nowhere as I was beyond functioning.

But I have an invisible disability. It’s not as ‘real’ as having something missing or cancer and I can’t get help..

So no faster broadband for me and my kids. I’ll need to learn that deals aren’t for me.

Postscript.

As I anticipated, Royal Mail didn’t attempt to deliver today and at 2pm, made it my problem. I had to collect item. I’ve been at work all day.

I’ve cancelled the upgrade and let BT know I won’t collect item as I don’t want a mile walk to and a mile walk from the collection office.

If the package hadn’t been a signed for item, it’d have got to me 😦

A meltdown and four hours of wasted communication later..

In summary, I should know better by now.

Further postscript. I receive texts from BT engineers saying my line upgraded and my existing router doesn’t work…

I get home and no WiFi or broadband. I’m crying as I write this.

Wondering and being helped.

What if? What if.. what?

Ruminating, thoughts on head, no means to execute them, no firm way ahead.

Hoping. Is hoping ever enough, ever just enough.

Wishing. The feeling that something could change.

The wish, not the reality, the hope, not the actual, the possibility, but never the ability.

In reality, I have a lifeline of sorts and this time I need to use it, it’s help of sorts and I cannot spurn it, or continue on my own and muddling on.

The difficult part in accepting help is my fate in others hands my voice silent and my burden with others.

I do not always carry myself well,

I do not always help myself.

I do not smile at others and greet them with silence.

Yet I must. I need to, I have a means to lighten my load, to not carry all myself.

I struggle on. Bills and debts and problems. People that grate at me, people seen and heard.

The days are short and dark and cold now. I mainly see clearly, I mainly understand and comprehend. I mainly know what I need to have for me and mainly what I need.

I can do that with help. I can get some way myself.

But I hope and I wish and I hold that dream out there too.

Knowing and remembering things from my life and regrets and seeing the foolishness.

Age fixes some things, it makes some clearer or just simpler.

The fog of life is always there, day to day the sea of faces and the noises of people’s mouths. The bustle and hurry and how busy it all is. The day to day.

Holding myself. Keeping still. No words spoken, thoughts retained. The right time, not the perfect time.

But how?, but how To balance the wishes and reality. Can they ever be reconciled by me.

A routine Friday

At times we surprise ourselves. It’s the unexpected and maybe a little happenstance as well.

This post below had been long in my mind.

https://chicgibson.wordpress.com/2018/08/09/the-sort-of-post-you-dont-want-to-write-autism/

I tried to articulate a slide in my social life and a feeling that being involuntary celibate was likely.

To knock over those assumptions, someone swiped right on me about eight weeks ago and chatted. Didn’t expect that.

I tried. Maybe too much, but I tried, it didn’t work out.

Well, maybe I expected that, but there was that brief rise in mood and a bit of hope. It was nice.

It’s all explainable, temporary self actualisation as per Maslow’s hierachy of needs.

Possibly some serotonin created from the experience and maybe some other positive flows in terms of energy or wellbeing.

I won’t knock it, it was pleasant to feel different and less negatively about myself.

If I refer to my ‘West of Scotland Man’s Manual’ that is still lodged in my head, I’d be throwing shit at everything else except myself for blowing it and hiding behind some machismo or making other excuses.

I can allow myself a few things., I didn’t expect it, I hadn’t planned it, I had no expectations. I tried.

I could say ‘baby steps’, I could say ‘try again’.

But, I was ‘stepping off that escalator’. I was moving away from that and accepting that ‘maybe it’s not for me’.

I had given up, given in.

I thought there was baggage in believing that I could have a relationship again.

I was raw, hurt, broken, low.

I might be a bit less now, but, I’m still confused, I still don’t believe things can work out that way for me and I’m not really wanting more rejection and disappointment.

What’s realistic? What’s reasonable, what’s possible?

Do I have the energy, the faith in myself, the confidence, the ability?

Or is it a dangerous hope that there’s something, The sirens call that keeps me in a sort of loop of failure.

It’s a Friday, I have no responsibilities tonight with the kids, so I worked late, wandered around the shops, got food, got the train and headed home.

Friday being Friday, you see people heading out and I guess I noticed that.

Guess I wondered to myself, but all I had was tired and home and food and tv.

But, that’s what I can do.

Someone reached in to me. That was the one nice bit though.

Facing it (Autism) (Anxiety) (Depression)

I’m no photographer. I took these yesterday when kids had relegated me to my bedroom.

I can’t describe the mood or feeling. It’s tired, there’s unhappiness and there’s other things in there.

A hard week taking its toll, maybe more than I anticipated after the Friday/Monday holiday.

Maybe an expected letdown by someone, maybe some realisation that things aren’t straightforward and neither are people.

I don’t do specifics well, I think I was ‘up’ for a few weeks, functioning well and focussed and okay, I had a drop and have had another slide in mood.

I’ve kept my faith in myself. I’ve been out to a gig even. But I’ve trucked along myself pretty much.

Work, TV, Sleep. Not too high, not too low. Acceptable even and possibly even something that I could think of building upon.

Then on Friday, I plummeted. Mood crashed. Frustration and the little nibbles of things over five,six weeks or more. Nothing specific, nothing earth shattering, nothing huge, no big meltdown.

Saturday was got through and today was the big crash. Nothing I’d done, but consequence of others.

The wire snaps.

I don’t know. I can’t frame a positive period recently to say that things were fine or as I wanted for a number of years.

I struggle to put together the description and phrases for that concept.

I think when depression and anxiety bite over a long time, there’s a loss of normality and a loss of knowledge of what okay or good is.

My upswing for a few weeks might have got me through stuff that I otherwise might have struggled or felt ground down with. It may have helped me realise possibilities in some areas and given a bit of hope.

Having a bump, slide, worse bump and then a calamity in the past few weeks, I’m not back where I was, but lower and full of doubt and berating myself.

I suppose the question might be as to what is ‘normal’ or ‘okay’ anyway and where that ‘normal’ ranks with me and with someone else.

How do I draw the levels on a chart, how my high to a normal high, where is okay and where am I most of the time?

Maybe that’s not something I can draw for myself in any case.

I know I have health, physical health and mental health. I have a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition. I have a MH record with depression and anxiety before that condition came along.

I can sigh, moan and complain, but I usually don’t. I can turn on myself but I know not everything is my making or of my creation.

My years of masking my condition and compensating mean that I know weaknesses and somehow I see that in others and can understand it.

I maybe don’t and never will have the foresight and wisdom to see it in myself and pertaining to my own life.

It’s at that point I try and bring together what I’m saying and I know much of my situation and life is my Aspergers and Autism.

It places me with a weaker starting positions with people and social structures, be that school, college, work.

I muddle by, I compensate for lack of friends and I compensate for lack of family help. I get past some social issues by maybe not understanding them, I get bogged down in others by trying to.

That gets me to my base level of ‘normal’, I think that’s above where I am today and where I’ve been these last 4 or 5 years.

I slid after diagnosis and the ‘video replays in my head’, I recovered, I slid with separation, I toiled with being alone, but I got a pattern of a week and got somewhere.

I mourned for my career and the hopes and aspirations with it, but I found a freedom from the excesses of the rat race.

I struggled with ‘disabled’ and ‘different’ and the concepts around neurodiversity. I sometimes still do.

The process of PIP and the failure there placed me as with a condition but not ‘disabled’, the struggle with aftercare and ‘help’ left me confused too.

I can be autistic but not ‘disabled autistic’ like others. I can’t even get a disabled rail discount card or a cinema ticket thing without the PIP threshold of disabled.

I backed off from my local disabled community and felt isolated at work too as after all, I wasn’t like my colleagues and I wasn’t like the ‘disabled autistic’ people either.

I was broken, alone and myself.

That was where I had slipped to.

As I wrote before, I tried and failed at online dating, I sort of realise that I’m unlikely to have that type of relationship with someone ever again.

So, I guess that’s where I was and how far below ‘me normal’ did I drop?

How far below ‘me depressed’ did I go?

How far is that from ‘normal human normal’ or ‘normal human depressed’?

Should I even care or give a shit? Well, I could obsess over that or as usual, just get on with things. It’s not great, not where I hoped I’d be, but it’s a life.

As for the photographs, yeah that’s a worn face and I need to drink more water.