I guess I keep saying that. I’m fine or me and the boys are fine.
In terms of the boys, that’s true, they’re busy and active. I do everything I can for them.
Me? Well, I’m sort of not. I had reached out initially and then found it all too much and now I’m just lonely. I’m tired as I’m busy with boys, but all I have is looking a t a phone screen or watching tv once they go to bed.
Lockdown life isn’t much different to life before it as I reach the boys bedtimes and then have to find something to watch on TV. I’m coming around to idea of just having a bit of time with dog and then an early night.
I occasionally try and internet search on how I’m feeling, but it’s negative usually and I end up looking at meme quotes on the images tab.
Not really a positive activity and not likely to be good for me. I think I’ve realised that maybe dating is beyond me for now and probably the future. For the minute I can’t get out the house anyway and for later, I’d have to arrange a different sort of arrangements for boys.
Thinking it through, I feel sad, I want adult company, but I’m not motivated enough to go and do anything about it.
I like when people reach in, but I wouldn’t know how to develop on that. To make friends or to make someone like me enough for more than that.
Looking inward, bettering myself emotionally and physically might help.
Although I have negative thoughts around that too. I could go and work out/lose weight, but to what gain?
Maybe vanity or pride, but I’d be setting myself a goal and probably inwardly detailing myself from the overall project.
Thoughts of ‘what to do’, have been with me since Lyndie died. I have no idea at times as to who I can turn to. Even for 10 minutes to go walk the dog without the kids.
I wanted to be more open and friendly and more ‘there’, but that hasn’t worked out.
I knew social media has its limits, I knew that people are busy with their lives too. I can’t force my way in and I don’t want people giving me company just out of pity.
I found a bit of comfort and solidarity from a charity group. I was chatting on the group pages on Facebook and doing okay, then it hit me how much time that took and how unreal it felt.
I also felt I was hiding from bigger issues that I needed to resolve.
So, I left. I quit the pages and tried to keep moving on. Maybe I was successful in jolting myself. I feel right now that I need another jolt, another push at myself.
I try sometimes to figure out if everything I feel is just grief or whether it’s deeper insecurities at work. I know my autistic self comes into play
I knew I was anxious and depressed as side issues to my autism. I knew those things existed. Perhaps grief and loneliness have mixed into those feelings.
When I’m honest with myself, I know life is about me and the kids. The type of person I need might be out there, but am I willing to make the effort, so I actually have the time
I see the grey hairs, I see my obesity in the mirror, I see the spots on my nose and can look and think ‘yeah, you’re no catch.
I don’t think even a widow would find me easy as company never mind anything else.
I want a hug, I’ve wanted held since September. But I sort of doubt if I can make that happen. Im struggling enough to chat right now