This might serve me as a basis for further thought.
I’m headed toward my fourth year of being aware that my head works differently etc, etc.
I’ve tried a few changes, a few bits and bobs, but I’ve massively withdrawn myself into a safe sort of life.
The decision might be a stark choice between adapting more to try and be happier against accepting that ‘it is what it is.’
Fixing involves understanding the condition, the difficult bits and revamping and rebalancing. It’s taking a view that there’s a long way to go in life and I’m not near being elderly yet.
Accepting means taking away the pressures and accepting that I am what I am, I’ve lived a long time undiagnosed and without help and I have to continue, I can use what I know, but I don’t do anything radical other than find peace in myself.
Both paths involve knowledge, I need to think through what I’m unhappy with and what I dislike and what grates and irks me.
I can rattle through issues like money, living alone, job satisfaction and relationships with exs and children.
I’m divorced and separated. I’m alone but a parent and a carer at the same time.
I have myself to think about, but others that I care about in terms of my children.
I can’t just go off and disappear my head up my backside whilst ‘finding myself’.
I’m living without friends essentially and have been like that since diagnosis, so that’s been a few years.
I have little human contact Day to Day and I’ve a fair few unresolved issues in terms of people.
I bear my own burdens, my sharing might be toward my readers more than anyone.
I don’t always know what I’m writing or where any particular blog piece is headed. I can rant about myself to a degree and in relative safety but not in detail or at length on others.
I can say that I want a better life.
I can say that I want to evolve and learn.
I can say I fear change and am scared of the future.
But, is that enough? Is there a need to seek happiness through engaging with others? (Whilst accepting the inevitable social failure and risks that are attached to that.)
Or.. is it simpler to become some sort of Zen Guru type, that knows everything about himself, accepts those failings and doesn’t particularly do much more?
‘It is what it is.’ After all.
The feelings and thoughts that come from my un-diagnosed previous life, that feeling no-one was on the level, the opportunities missed, the masking the difficulties and differences.
I don’t know if going back to that is desirable. I could see a modified version of it, in some ways, but to engage with people, means going out and doing things (spending money) and my finances are limited for now.
A longer view, accepts that I may need to stay as I am right now and plan and think through resources and timings and needs and maybe say ‘in a year, I could try to do this..’, ‘in two years maybe I could be that.’
Being philosophical? Can I do that? Can I learn not to chase things, can I sit and try to slowly untangle, sort and fix?
The answer as ever is in the middle and if I do have a moment of clarity, I’ll be likely to write it.