I had looked at calendar and thought ‘ooh I have a bit of time before going on holiday’.
So I went and loaded Tinder app and did a profile. This time around I didn’t take the paid option and stayed ‘free’ but with no features.
I did all the things that were needed to be completed and in the free text added my height. Six pictures, all in past year.
Carousel of pictures gave me a few that I knew in real life and I swerved those options.
So, the first night hope, actually reading profiles before swiping and looking at photographs to work out what was recent.
By day ten, I’d had enough. Two ‘likes’ and I figured one would disappear if I took a paid subscription.
The offer of half priced subscriptions came at about day 10 too.
It’s much more attractive than the regular price, but from trying last October I knew even that has limitations.
Again, a question of balancing my thoughts and feelings towards these apps.
Behaviours are human, lack of interest, over shooting at people that aren’t interested, profiles that are left by people and time/attention seekers.
My thoughts are to try up the scale, but whether Match, e-harmony or whatever are right, I don’t know.
Zoosk and Hinge I’ve tried before and I doubt either would be a step up from Bumble and Tinder.
I think it’s the next thing to consider.
Failing always brings a low though, and I think my mind defaults to ‘not good enough’, ‘unworthy’, ‘useless’ and a whole pile of negativity from feeling ugly to thinking I’m undateable.
And I do need recovery time from trying things like that. Try and rebuild a little bit confidence or just feel up to it.
I guess my thinking is headed toward ‘maybe it’s not for me’ and that perhaps I have to accept how it is and remove any pressure from myself.
At same time I’m railing against that sort of thinking knowing it’s negative and knowing that I’m not happy and that I should be trying to ‘fulfill this need’.
I suppose ‘this need’ could be from someone to text call, someone to be with, to dates, intimacy and even a sex life.
Yes, there’s a pile of stuff in there to unpick. Yes, I need company, contact, friendship. Yes, I’d like some sort of relationship, but I have to balance that with my responsibilities and I can’t just fall for someone without thinking of the kids etc.
Intimacy and a sex life, again is a thing that may be an ‘unfulfilled need’ but you kinda need the relationship or friendship first.
So, one doesn’t come without another and I’m unsure any ‘friend with benefits’ or **** buddy could really be an option.
I don’t think I’m that clinical and separating feelings from intimacy would be difficult.
It’s almost a cycle of thoughts, loneliness and being on own, wanting to do something about it, doing the apps, leaving the app unfulfilled and back to the loneliness and it’s whether running through that cycle in a regular basis is a good idea or good for my mental health and well-being.
I have to think of my primary task as a parent carer, I have to think of my own condition and my own limitations too.
I’ve always been realistic on distances and age ranges on these apps and thinking age appropriate and also what stands a chance of working.
It may just be the photographs, it may be my age, it may be both, I don’t think I can remove myself enough to judge how I present and how that looks to a person I’d be interested in.
So, yeah it hurts, and yeah it’s good that I wanted to try.
I hope I don’t sound that I’m entitled to someone, or entitled to a relationship or sex.
I’m aware I’d be seen as unwanted/involuntarily celibate. I may hope or wish or would like that to change but I know my own limitations and understand that I have ‘baggage’.
I write this now that I’m holiday with kids and dog and my bedtime is maybe twenty minutes later than theirs.
And I know that’s sort of not good and that I’m limited on who is or may be out there.
I don’t know what my next step might be, but all I can do is try again at a suitable time later in the year