Two years.

It’s been a difficult few weeks.

I had a respite weekend, but after I got back and the boys came back to me, one started vomiting.

And again, and again.

By the Monday, my other son was ill. Same thing.

With a novovirus thing, it’s 48 hours clear of vomiting etc and back to school.

But that day was the anniversary of Lyndie’s death.

So, I left them both off to have both the same 48 hours clear

Then a Thursday and both back to school. My tummy goes and my head aches. I just about get through the bedtime routine with help from my youngest.

Then last Sunday, the day like it felt it happened. A Sunday two years ago.

Wednesday this week was the actual second anniversary of her death. I had thought that I wanted to mark her birthday every year but not that date.

So, illness and grief and just not much to find any positives.

I am feeling low.

I haven’t been reaching out and leaving things be. I kind of already knew that if I didn’t contact people first that they’d not be in touch and that’s how it is and explains expected.

I’m feeling lonely. I’m struggling a bit with the emotional side of things and for now, there’s not much I can do.

Of course, the anniversaries of those dates were going to be tough and I was going to struggle. Having to deal with kids being ill and then me being ill wasn’t great either.

I miss her, I’ve wished every day it was me rather than her. I have coped and managed and got by, but usually just myself and not having any support network or even a friend to distract me with nonsense.

I can want a relationship or want company, but without any sort of normal friend group, I can’t see any sane woman my age wanting to put up with me.

Been thinking, how do I do the ‘on my own with dignity’ thing as I really don’t see me being able to repair my life and bring back what I had.

I worry people will read and say, ‘but I’m your friend, you only had to ask’

I tried reaching out to people, I always reply to messages, texts, WhatsApps and whatever. But

knowing that I can go a week or more without reaching out and no one will just think to message me is tough.

Maybe it’s time to throttle back on Facebook again. Just post the necessary things now and again and click the like or laugh key as I used to when not using app in past.

I guess I don’t know. I guess if it was easy I wouldn’t have to lay down my thoughts so much.

But, I’ve got my dog, I’ve got the boys, I keep getting them to school, I keep getting the food in and keep doing the laundry. I can distract myself in Star Wars or Star Trek or marvel things to watch and keep myself out of bother.

Maybe it’s not what I want or need, but I’m the only parent my boys have and that’s it.