I’ve been walking with the dog, recording our walks and distances has seemed to help the past few months and it seems maybe that there’s room in my jeans.
I’m not saying I’ve lost weight, but it’s slightly easier fitting in things. I wouldn’t weigh myself but possibly I need to look a size down in waist size.
I know that’s a good thing and positive but, it’s only really a start and when you’re unsure of your body in first place it’s not easy to think ‘oh I’ve did something’
Winter is to come and although I’m happy with going about 8.5km with the dog this morning, I know it’ll be tougher when it’s colder and wetter days.
Walking is good for my head. I’ve had a few really down days recently and I don’t know where to start with it all.
Firstly I’m in the dates/anniversaries period of time. Our wedding anniversary last week, L’s birthday and the date she died are ahead. It’s difficult and she’s been in my thoughts a lot. She is everyday anyway but maybe more than usual.
I left a Facebook group. I felt my posts weren’t being allowed and were hung in moderation and fair enough, I’m maybe not exactly scintillating or posting good news but at same time, I could have used the support.
I was wanting to talk about my latest experience on dating apps and that was really last month. Where I looked positively at the views and considered various people but I didn’t have the wherewithal to say ‘hello’ or try and start a conversation. There was one initiated by someone else but it was three messages each in and out.
I am lonely. I am lost and listless. I don’t see anything working out dating wise and have been thinking about acceptance and just giving up on looking at the apps and things. I don’t think that’s particularly positive, but I have to accept that there’s not much interest, not that many likes or chats or chance of a date.
I done see it being possible organically with me being free when boys at school and that’s pretty much it. I don’t have an overnight respite carer time or anything like and I’m wondering how to even make something work.
I used to think I’d be better for boys and looking after them if my life was more balanced, today I’m not so sure that I can achieve that balance.
Another thing has been on my head and it’s the dumb ‘I want to contact her’ stuff and I do know no answer is no. But maybe that’s the listlessness.
It’s a whirl of stuff. Grief, missing L, my inability to move on after what’s coming up on four years and lack of company, lack of even a hug, I guess.
My thoughts aren’t suicidal or anything like that. It’s certainly depression, there’s the autistic inabilities in terms of communication and being able to approach people and just that daily lonely feeling. Maybe lack of anyone to even talk with.
I can’t waive a wand and change things and I know deep inside that change has to come from me. Motivation is lacking and even while using the dating app last month I was thinking well, how would you even go for a coffee meet if the person worked daytime sort of thing.
I’m responsible for me and I’m glad of the walking as something to do, the dog is willing to come with me and that’s about as much as I could hope for. I’m looking at distances and times and just trying to keep up a weekly and monthly amount.
In an ideal world, I’d stay in bed. Avoid the world. Fix myself again, but reality is that boys need me, they’re back in at school and we do the morning and evening routines.
My ‘me time’ is often time without the kids but still doing laundry or looking for things for them as well as the mundane stuff.
I’d like to find positives,,take more enjoyment from life but, that seems a distant prospect and I’m unlikely to be near what I want any time soon and so be it for existing.
Not a positive writing experience but it is truthful.
Chic Gibson - A blog of sorts 