What if? (Life Experience)

What if, the fact that I’ve been through so much in terms of ‘Life Experience’ that I’ve came out of all that, still intact, but maybe with a nicer perspective on life that maybe someone same age who’s ‘plain sailed’?

What if knowing about loss and grief and losing someone that should still be here has made me listen to others stories, to understand and be empathetic?

What if struggling away with my own issues has given me that insight as to how everyone has something going on?

What if the strength and dogginess that I’ve had to use is actually a good thing?

What if knowing about my own and my son’s conditions make me worldlier in understanding autism and mental health and the whole shebang that goes on inside minds?

What if I’ve learned patience?

What if I’m a ‘better person’?

I don’t really know.

Remember that I’m inside me, I see the mirror, same face, the thoughts rumble in my head and eventually words come onto the screen of my smartphone. I’m sort of dumbfounded by the accessibility of my thoughts at times.

And it’s maybe from seeing a character in a TV show saying ‘I’m good!’ – maybe just that and how simple that seems.

Simple to a man of doubt and worry and anxiety as expressing my self and saying ‘I’m this or I’m that’ isn’t always an easy thought. There’s a following sentence to qualify a statement or modesty or sense of being proper that maybe stops me getting too far ahead of myself.

I know the trials and tribulations of going through things is hard, I recently thought about the anniversary of my mum’s death and thinking through how that felt and how much of a thing that was to go through and deal with at the time.

Remembering her influence and trying to think through what she would think about what I’m going through.

A message from a friend today saying how well I manage with the kids and everything else, got my usual modest answer as I don’t feel that way and that there’s always something else coming up or going on and i’m thinking about them here and now as well as planning ahead.

Then I think, where does that leave me and ‘what if’ – I am doing okay by them and despite all that life experience, I’m sober, I’m there for them and doing what I can. I don’t see parenting or ‘dadding’ as a chore or a contest, I’m not looking for praise or trying to be better than someone else, as I said above as we’ve all got something going on.

But maybe one day my ‘what if’s’ maybe might get someone to see what’s inside me and see that I’m worthwhile.

So, I stopped looking.

I was mindful of what I last wrote and wasn’t particularly rushing myself into a decision.

So I had a swiping session on the apps and it was all left. ‘She’s too good’, ‘I’d never pull her in real life’, ‘She seems nice and doesn’t need me dragging her down’.

With my thinking like that, I stopped.

Went back a day later and paused or hid myself. I had already removed myself completely from another thing I had tried too.

It’s only a few days but no desire to unhide or unpause and no real thought that I need to, or must.

If anything it’s a chunk of time back as it’s sessions of 10 or 15 minutes and it’s not once a day, it’s two or three time’s minimum.

I don’t know how I feel.

Sad, that it doesn’t work out for me.

A little bit feeling ‘less of a man’, I can’t actualise my needs.

Frustrated. With everything else in my life, I could use something nice or something positive.

I’ve grappled with celibacy, I’ve been back and forward with the idea of it being involuntary and I’ve no desire to combine ‘celibacy’ and ‘involuntary’ as I’m not that sort of person. I’m not owed anything by women in general and it’s my face, my situation and my words on the profiles.

I have to consider other ways. Can I do Meet-Up and find things to go to? Is getting to the gym an idea.? Do I consider things like Match where I’d pay for a more serious on dating audience?

I don’t know.

I’ve had issues going on with the kids and trying to resolve or complain about those gets me so far. It’s frustrating and time consuming and annoying. It’s maybe for another blog post, but putting it simply, I have enough to do.

I’m tired. I’m sleeping but not well enough, I miss company and I guess I just want a bloody hug when it comes down to it.

I have to think antidepressants, where I am with my mental health, I have to figure what’s good for me.

Meeting someone or having a text/message type initial chat would be great, but it doesn’t solve my issues around me and my family here.

Just maybe I’ve realised it’s not the panacea that I supposed it to be.

I’m now past three years in terms of ‘widowerhood’, I’m about eight years since we seperated.

It’s a long time since I have been in a day to day actual working relationship.

And maybe I won’t ever be again.

I can cry, I can be sad about that, but it’s the truth and now comes the difficult part.

To stop dreaming that someone will ‘save’ me. To not relapse into the false hope of dating apps. To hold my head up, maintain my dignity and not become a tragic figure.

I’ve had enough losses in my life and I’ve been through listing the main and secondary losses since Lyndie died. I can’t become bitter about that or go into constant sadness.

I just need to keep looking for the light, keep seeing the ridiculous things in life, be grateful for the kids and the dog and what they all mean to me.

Yeah, rejection always hurts and with the dating apps it’s a gamble, a risk that no-one is interested and it stings and it’s not a nice feeling. But it’s time for me to get past that. I tried.

Making the effort is no small matter, finding a way past the fears of showing myself, being honest and open about my situation and well, if being my age and a sole parent puts them off, then they weren’t worth the effort anyway.

I tried and did what I reasonably could manage given what I had available to me, I wasn’t cynical, I didn’t lie or hide anything.

So, for now, acceptance that I’ve stopped looking. A bit of reflection, a bit of thinking and thinking through what I was trying to do and what it was I had hoped to accomplish.

Some thought on other ways or just to try and get myself out or with people that bit more, to relearn my social skills, to relearn my peopling.

I have other things to keep me busy and I suppose, new distractions to find. There’s always something to see or read or do.

It’s no shame and no big deal to have struck out with online dating. I have things to fix in terms of myself and the boys and I can focus on that and focus on the things ahead for the year.

But for now and the next little while, it’s avoiding those apps and building myself to not just be hidden, but to finally delete them.

Crawling Toward a Decision

Having a cry.

It’s a holiday weekend and I’ve seen the boys come up and down for after dinner drinks and snacks. They seem okay.

The dog has been back and forward as he’s wanting treats or snacks as he ate the food in his bowl.

Otherwise, just me.

and thoughts.

And I don’t know where to begin.

Days are like that. I don’t mind the dog or the kids disrupting me as I’ve got nothing really worthwhile going on.

I’ve looked at the dating sites and swiped left on everyone.

A day where I think ‘who’d have me’.

Another day on my own, unloved and not necessary for anyone.

That’s okay, it’s how it is and I need to find the acceptance of those feelings that, maybe it’s never going to happen or be.

The effort – on setting up those profiles, actually reading all of the ones I see, before deciding, actually thinking a ‘like’ could be something, actually believing – just isn’t worth it, there’s a cost in energy and time.

I think to myself, if I accepted celibacy, then it’d be so much easier. I’m fourteen months in terms of a ‘drought’ and thinking about hugs and intimacy and all of that just hurts.

I had ‘me time’, a walk in the shopping mall, supermarket shopping and an iced coffee on my own with a little bit of lemon cake.

It gets me out of the house, the boys like the carer, but my human interaction is limited to loyalty cards and paying the checkout and telling the barista my order.

I guess I know where I’m going, the bumble, hinge and tinder will be deleted and I’ll go settle to a routine with the kids and dog through the winter.

I have birthdays and Christmas to plan presents for. Pumpkins to carve for Halloween, lights to put up in December.

A safe person who I could confide in, care about, have at least a text a day from. A pipe dream, a fantasy, a delusion.

The road ahead shouldn’t be travelled with doubt and weariness, it should be a case of looking forward to life and living and enjoying each day. There’s precious little time for us all and life shouldn’t be seen as a burden.

Those I’ve lost would want me to live, they’d want me to be happy.

I cannot fulfil my own needs, at least in terms of another person, that safe person. So it’s a case of protecting my sanity and saying ‘well, I have to stop looking and make the best of what’s here.’

So, for now, I can let things run, be it as they are.

The decision to stop looking and reframe my thinking has to come from within myself and be taken with some certainty. Accepting celibacy, living alone and not having a friend or partner or whatever the right words are, will take a bit of doing.

Maybe I’m still wanting that mix of hope and forlorn optimism, that one day someone will see the worth in me.

It’s tempered by the tears and frustration and loneliness and sorrow.

A balance of sorts but too easy to be low in terms of mood and energy, too easy to slide into negatives and too easy to see things that aren’t there.

For now, it’s building myself to calling it, to say ‘I’ve tried’ and that’s enough. Enough Hoping and Enough Hurt.

Chic versus Wise Quotes

Credits to Instagram user Selfcarewithwall

I’d hope so, but I’ll admit to not thinking I ‘deserve’ anything, could be humbleness or reality’s bite.

I don’t think I’ve lost sleep, admittedly I don’t sleep brilliantly but, unless a very clear indicator from someone else, then why would I wonder?

I’ve been grateful for kindness shown to me, sometimes it’s for me and boys so I have to be careful not to interpret things wrongly. I’d like to think I’d notice.

I don’t know. I miss L and our relationship even as friends and more fondly remember when it was better. I miss the idea of a relationship, but whether that can be is another thing.

‘Everything is Temporary’ to an extent, healing from a breakup and dealing with loss are different contexts, I’ll likely carry L with me the remainder of my life, that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed.

Hurt and lesson learning. I don’t know. We look and make decisions as we go. I can’t pretend that things don’t hurt but in a lifetime, I’ve hurt others too. Pain is maybe thinking through what’s been done and rationalising it, but we all do that, even on minor things.

Okay, it’s my journey and my decisions, whether I’ve ever taken counsel from friends or family is unlikely and I’m not the sort that kicks around my thinking about someone I like or am seeing. I look for support in accepting someone rather than approval for having met them.

Maybe, maybe not. Time flows only in one direction and we can’t go back and make fixes. What is gone is gone, unfortunately and can have memories, but be unable to snatch a second back. What’s coming, we have more control over and can try to influence.

Questioning whether good enough? I have been good enough before, a number of times, it’s not whether I can, it’s maybe wether that person is there in future. I guess I’ll know when I’ll know and with living with kids I cannot and will not rush into anything.

One day. But maybe the dog already does. I can only hope.

Did I win?

No, it was about taking apart and thinking through the statements and they’re graphically very very good and very powerful.

As an enabler or a step toward being ‘better’ or improving, I like them, they’re short, snappy and positive reminders to people.

One day.. one day..

‘The Grind’

The things I know are the basics, taking care of the kids, looking after the dog. Clean toilets, clean sinks, dispose of food that’s gone.

I know the needs of the kids, what they can and can’t do and what to do for them and what to encourage them with.

Mainly it’s keeping everyone on an even keel, no big drama or excitement and home is where they unwind after school.

I say that at three weeks into the school holidays. We’ve been away, we’ve got back and settling into the summer.

Grandparents are taking one for a week, the other has ASN playscheme for a week, we have that to take us closer to end of July.

Similar to lots of parents but, I know from last summer that I’ll be kept busy and I have to start thinking sizes, tops and jumpers, their trousers and the rigmarole of shoes.

They don’t grow at an even rate and there’s no point stocking up for the new school year. Some of last years will work and some new things needed.

So, it’s using quiet moments to figure what’s next, think activities, days out and what to do. Plan some shopping and see what can go to clothing banks at the schools and things.

I have an idea of next years holiday and how much and what’s needed. I have to balance with thinking Christmas, differently timed birthdays and whatever else will come up.

It’s in my hands and I can plan and think it through whilst doing the day to day parenting and caring.

I had some evening time on holiday to think, it was quiet and no distractions, so I figured what’s up with me and what exactly I can do.

It’s going to be to accept things.

I had my ‘ten days’ before going on holiday and to be honest, it was frustrating, pointless as much as anything after the initial excitement and hope wore off.

I also had to use that thinking to grind at myself. A bit of annoyance over my weight, some self sympathy over the lost months with covid as well as genuine sadness that I had struck a friendship and a few things as well as the lockdowns made that not work out.

I threw around in that grinding, how I felt, cleaning, doing laundry, planning clothes, making meals, budgeting, planning for events.

Not a sense that I’d lost my maleness or that I was effete, more a sort of knowledge that I was ‘maw’ing – being mum and dad at times, housework, back in in time for school finishing. Something in the fridge (and usually a back up), something in the freezer (and a back up).

I get the remarks that I do well at it, but I’ve always done that in terms of parenting as well as their personal care. I didn’t really opt out of it.

The hardest grind was over using tinder and bumble and that feeling that I couldn’t attract who I wanted, not even to the point of on-app conversations.

The feeling of being ‘a man that can’t get a women’s interest’.

Before I go further, I’m not saying I deserve someone or a situation or a particular person. It’s not looking at it as an entitlement or whatever.

More, it’s that loneliness and seeing others doing things that I’d maybe like to. That’s not necessarily ‘moving on’ but I guess wanting company, a chat, a motivation outside of family and disability and the day to day.

And, if I’m honest, that hope or need is maybe another element of the grind.

I’ve been questioning myself on unmet needs, and know that some of that is emotional and maybe also physical and that can be a gentle touch on a shoulder or a hug when it’s needed.

It’s easy to envy or be jealous of others, it’s easy to see what you don’t have.

Taking it together, maybe an element of resentment about my situation and certainly resentment in terms of feeling that I can’t change it, without that opportunity or spark of communicating with someone.

The grind also includes thinking through if maybe I’m too old. I’m certainly too grey and too bald in comparison to some of my peers.

It’s also the brokenness of shock, grief, feeling empty but having children to point in the right direction bearing in mind their loss too, as well as that of Lyndie’s parents. I can communicate how the kids are, but ultimately it’s me and not her and I understand the depth of their loss too.

So, all in all, ‘some baggage’ as they say on those apps. It’s not possible to experience the loss of the mother of your kids without that.

I’m not seeking a replacement, I’m not seeking anything more than the chance to have a conversation and see where it leads, but that first step, is the crucial one.

So, it takes me back to what I’m grinding, a sense of difference in being a male sole parent/caregiver, an acknowledgment that my time is limited in the right places and plentiful after bedtimes and in daytime.

Possibly amongst that, is frustration at myself for failing. A wish to be in a better place mentally and emotionally knowing that can help my resilience in dealing with what I have to do.

But, I can’t do anything about any of that until the summer holiday is finished. I have the odd carer respite hour or two at weekend to escape and that’s it.

So I can’t travel the extent of central Scotland for someone. I need to come up with someone be near, who I’m not travelling hours to.

Patience might be the key, but to keep sane day to day, to handle the ups and downs in terms of myself and as a parent/carer, I can’t have that grind or friction to want something more going on in my head and dragging me back from doing the things that need doing.

It’s counter intuitive in a way, but I have to deal with those thoughts like rejection, like separation, like losing her, like grieving for her and accept that it is what it is. Otherwise, those thoughts grind away and it’s me that’s being ground, me that’s suffering as much as it’s what I need, I can’t be looking and thinking and caught in a ‘would-nice-to-be’ or ‘maybe-someday’ as I’m needed in the here and now and not only by my kids but by others too.

Rationally accepting celibacy or it being in any relationship is a tough one. It’s almost reverse of human instinct, almost pushing against the tide.

But if I can’t make peace with that, if I can’t say ‘Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be’ then, I’ll always be grinding, I’ll always be envious, always be wishing it was me.

And that’s, the toughie.

No psychologist is going to say, accept being alone, accept not having intimacy, accept having unmet needs.

The whole sort of basis for figuring out how to fix our mental health and emotional needs is to accept or find a way to process the bad things, fear, pain, anger, grief and to find somewhere to place those thoughts of to be able to break them down and rebuild looking at the hierarchy of needs and taking step by step strategies towards tolerance of the issues, towards resilience and toward experiencing life in a meaningful way.

Now, yes, I’d like the be happier, I’d like to have the missing needs met, but without success at that first key point in dating, then I can’t follow the flow of conversation, meeting and so on.

Being time limited, opportunity limited, as a sole parent/carer means that mourning the inability or the lack of chance will only be damaging to me.

Hoping against hope will only be damaging for me and if there is a path for me to meet or chat to someone, it’s likely to be organic and around the circumstances of where I am and when I’m about and maybe some of that is just old fashioned happenstance where someone in real life isn’t finger scrolling away out of boredom and unreal expectation as they’d do on an app.

So I have to accept that another app or a more expensive subscription would only maybe be leading me to false hope.

I can’t do that over the school holidays anyways and I’m can’t do that immediate afterwards as all the dates of anniversaries in August and September.

So, that’s where I am, after a difficult and at times messy past few years.

It’s not giving in or giving up, it’s accepting that I have to focus on the day to day.

I need to do that and find the tools to cope or adapt. I need to find the daily routines with or without the kids and take meaning from doing that with them and for them.

So, grinding away at the issues won’t likely get me anywhere. Relying on sympathy to get me anywhere will sooner or later fade away.

So, time taken to write, time taken to think before that and it’s now time to deal with things. One bit at a time and keeping going.

Ten Days

I had looked at calendar and thought ‘ooh I have a bit of time before going on holiday’.

So I went and loaded Tinder app and did a profile. This time around I didn’t take the paid option and stayed ‘free’ but with no features.

I did all the things that were needed to be completed and in the free text added my height. Six pictures, all in past year.

Carousel of pictures gave me a few that I knew in real life and I swerved those options.

So, the first night hope, actually reading profiles before swiping and looking at photographs to work out what was recent.

By day ten, I’d had enough. Two ‘likes’ and I figured one would disappear if I took a paid subscription.

The two likes

The offer of half priced subscriptions came at about day 10 too.

It’s much more attractive than the regular price, but from trying last October I knew even that has limitations.

Offer

Again, a question of balancing my thoughts and feelings towards these apps.

Behaviours are human, lack of interest, over shooting at people that aren’t interested, profiles that are left by people and time/attention seekers.

My thoughts are to try up the scale, but whether Match, e-harmony or whatever are right, I don’t know.

Zoosk and Hinge I’ve tried before and I doubt either would be a step up from Bumble and Tinder.

I think it’s the next thing to consider.

Failing always brings a low though, and I think my mind defaults to ‘not good enough’, ‘unworthy’, ‘useless’ and a whole pile of negativity from feeling ugly to thinking I’m undateable.

And I do need recovery time from trying things like that. Try and rebuild a little bit confidence or just feel up to it.

I guess my thinking is headed toward ‘maybe it’s not for me’ and that perhaps I have to accept how it is and remove any pressure from myself.

At same time I’m railing against that sort of thinking knowing it’s negative and knowing that I’m not happy and that I should be trying to ‘fulfill this need’.

I suppose ‘this need’ could be from someone to text call, someone to be with, to dates, intimacy and even a sex life.

Whoah.

Yes, there’s a pile of stuff in there to unpick. Yes, I need company, contact, friendship. Yes, I’d like some sort of relationship, but I have to balance that with my responsibilities and I can’t just fall for someone without thinking of the kids etc.

Intimacy and a sex life, again is a thing that may be an ‘unfulfilled need’ but you kinda need the relationship or friendship first.

So, one doesn’t come without another and I’m unsure any ‘friend with benefits’ or **** buddy could really be an option.

I don’t think I’m that clinical and separating feelings from intimacy would be difficult.

It’s almost a cycle of thoughts, loneliness and being on own, wanting to do something about it, doing the apps, leaving the app unfulfilled and back to the loneliness and it’s whether running through that cycle in a regular basis is a good idea or good for my mental health and well-being.

I have to think of my primary task as a parent carer, I have to think of my own condition and my own limitations too.

I’ve always been realistic on distances and age ranges on these apps and thinking age appropriate and also what stands a chance of working.

It may just be the photographs, it may be my age, it may be both, I don’t think I can remove myself enough to judge how I present and how that looks to a person I’d be interested in.

So, yeah it hurts, and yeah it’s good that I wanted to try.

I hope I don’t sound that I’m entitled to someone, or entitled to a relationship or sex.

I’m aware I’d be seen as unwanted/involuntarily celibate. I may hope or wish or would like that to change but I know my own limitations and understand that I have ‘baggage’.

I write this now that I’m holiday with kids and dog and my bedtime is maybe twenty minutes later than theirs.

And I know that’s sort of not good and that I’m limited on who is or may be out there.

I don’t know what my next step might be, but all I can do is try again at a suitable time later in the year

Thank you sleeplessness.

A night last week where I slept really badly and it left me time for thinking.

Maybe not the right time or circumstances to think, but I had some things in mind, for now and after holiday with the kids.

Realised that being myself (widower/carer/autistic) makes the whole dating thing difficult and that past attempts in October and February really weren’t enjoyable. I had thought, oh, I could try in August, but, I’m thinking I leave it maybe longer.

It’s not to say I don’t need company or intimacy but maybe recognising that I’m not in the right place and that a new relationship wouldn’t be a fix-all.

I tend to add up period separated and period since Lyndie died and it’s probably closer to eight years maybe and perhaps, I could frame that differently or whatever but, it’s a long time since a day to day regular relationship.

I questioned if it’s celibacy, involuntary celibacy, but whether it’s definable, I don’t know. I’m certainly not a woman hating incel or someone just seeking sex, so the definitions and descriptors are a bit of a challenge.

I had to think whether there’s anything else and look at things like Aromantic and things like that. I don’t think I am uninterested or fit the definitions. Certainly an interesting read.

I had sort of thought that my next birthday, 50, was the point to sort of chuck it, accept that it’s probably just me and try and hold onto a bit of dignity.

I don’t know. There’s certainly people single and dating using the ‘seniors’ apps and sites and I don’t really know much about that. Maybe keeping an open mind is better than just dismissing it.

I think, the point that I’m trying to get to here, is that I know a relationship might help, might be a welcome distraction, but that I could risk completely leaning on that person and that’s unfair on them.

I need to pick up other threads in terms of my life, in order to balance it all out. If there’s anything to do after the holidays it’s maybe looking at gym/fitness/swimming for my own general health and my dodgy knee in particular.

I haven’t got anywhere in terms of meet up groups or activities or daytime sort of things to do that I could squeeze into a term-time day and I haven’t really been able up use respite time to go out etc.

So, I’ve a lot to think about that I wanted to do after I was less shocked and less griefy but, maybe two years behind on due to the pandemic.

Maybe the answer is to think some more, find things that’ll give me contact with people again and try to rebuild some confidence first, before taking a giant leap at disappointment with the dating apps.

It’s not a easy sell balding/grey, nearly 50, autistic widower with childcare responsibilities for disabled kids and restricted time off weekends/evenings.

So, it’s maybe better looking at fitness, looking at social things that might allow me to build on myself.

All in all, I don’t know. I’ll figure it out a bit more as I go.

So.. what to do now

https://chicgibson.wordpress.com/2022/03/01/so-february-was-bumble/

February was Bumble and I tried Tinder in October. I’ve had a look at OK Cupid and some other options.

I don’t know if I’m any better off for trying dating sites. I guess if I hadn’t, I’d probably be thinking that I should have.

I had thought when I hit 50, I go with ‘Zen Monk’ plan.

Basically aim to chill out, push the loneliness stuff out my mind. Accept the situation, be grateful that I have the boys and dog here and work on my physical and mental health.

My zen monk shit note

I already don’t drink alcohol.

For the rest probably a gym membership. Some reading and some good Scottish water.

In mental health terms, it’s either a case of breaking down defences (some long term and necessary), be willing to reach out and not have necessarily receive in return, and have a willingness to ‘try and fail’ to an extent.

Maybe, I don’t need anyone based on current circumstances, maybe I can manage like this for however long I have left?

I have read about it and know that being myself and being lonely will affect my likely length of life. I have to consider that as I’m a carer and it’s unlikely my oldest son can live alone.

But the barrier to effecting change is time. I’m free daytime on school days, I have time after bedtime, I have respite windows.

But even so, with daytimes, I can read philosophy, I can go to a gym, I can use respite windows for shopping or to rest.

I always feel embarrassed using online dating. The short story is that one of my former colleagues read my tinder profile out in the office. I was stalked by another colleague and obviously it was shared above, but to be mocked like that and especially given that they knew that I was separated and struggling with it all wasn’t nice.

I feel quite vulnerable with those sorts of things and quite scared that I’ll be mocked in another way by someone else.

So, lack of any joy, difficult feelings about doing it add up to a sort of melancholy feeling about trying to change my situation

My own knowledge says to myself that I can’t have a meaningful romantic attachment or relationship without having a base of friends and family in place first and I’ve lost that over the years separated and widowed, so a more sensible approach is writing off the next few years and working on having at least that base in place and having that to work from. At least it would mean the odd text or getting out a bit more.

I can look at my ‘zen monk’ plan as a backstop and where I eventually need to go. I do need to exercise and lose weight. A function of depression is doing less and probably eating more in a ‘be good to yourself’ sort of way.

Perhaps it’s self discipline I rather need more of to control my feelings, to control the elements of dreaming and hoping. To work on exercise and diet and sleep. To not allow negative thoughts to dwell.

It’s a lot to hope that one person would change my life. It’s a lot to push on top of a new relationship and a lot to expect and an element of putting someone on a dais or something, that maybe they wouldn’t expect or need as their life might be more balanced or that they have their own story with vulnerabilities and complications.

I don’t really know what I expected, there wasn’t maybe anything, maybe I was expecting to be disappointed. I had one meaningful chat in those two months and in the end I was ghosted.

I know that being ghosted is a common thing and maybe it’s not all my fault and maybe it’s with that persons situation or whatever, but it hurts anyway.

Failure hurts. The thought that I can’t attract or interest anyone. The feeling that I’m ‘not good enough’ ‘too old’ ‘too broken’ or have ‘too much baggage’

It’s a grim viewpoint. Perhaps I can work on that. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I need to work through all that stuff and find something useful rather than just see the negativity.

For now, I have my day to day and my responsibilities, things to do and sort and get on with. I can’t stop, I can’t give myself a break from all that because I’m sad or sad and lonely.

It’s just plain old time to get on with things and process more of it when I get an opportunity to do so.

So, February was Bumble..

Bumble’s last question

Tried Bumble in February and I found after twenty or so days, it to be a bit of a stark thing, there’s often no cards to swipe and if there are it’s new people to site or people new to area.

I have no likes, initially there was a few but in my own swiping, I managed to lose those.

I’m on ‘date’ mode and set to ages 39-58 and within 68 miles. I’ve allowed the slightly higher/lower things for both settings.

68 miles should include the entire Glasgow conurbation as well as stretches to Edinburgh and Fife, so I assume I have most of Central Scotland within that distance.

If I’m honest, I know it’s impractical to look further than Glasgow through my circumstances.

In terms of age, broadly 10 above and 10 below, I assume I don’t appeal to those younger and I’m trying to be realistic with those bands.

It’s my second genuine attempt at on-line dating, I’ve tried a better variety of photos, I’ve answered the Bumble talking points and I’ve been honest. It says carer at care as occupation and I’ve led with ‘I’m a widower’

I’m not tempted by the pay options. After all, no interest in me and for £39.99 a month, it seems expensive to unlock the features.

Bumble has offered me Premium at £19.99 for a first month in the past few days, I’d estimate that offer is either made after 20 or 21 days.

I have two cards that I see most often. The Hive logo gives me ‘that’s everyone’ ‘you’ve seen all the people nearby’, so all of my left swipes are no’s and I don’t see any of them again.

That’s everyone!

Second card is on the heart logo, ‘You don’t have any likes just now’, so presumably my card is there to be swiped. ‘Not to worry, why not try – Spotlight and be featured to more people’

Not to worry..

Spotlight boosts views of your profile for a limited time, different ages of users are on the app at different times, so it’s one to use at the right time of evening on the right day. It says spotlight is £2.33, presumably it can be bought without a Premium membership.

I’m not for spotlighting, the experience so far has been enough.

It’s currently adaily swipe through about ten profiles, its worth reading to the end to work out where someone lives and quite a few are visitors to Edinburgh or Glasgow that haven’t turned their dating profile off.

There’s a few that might say ‘Scots girl in London’ within the profile, so you know they’re home seeing relatives.

There’s no indicators of when the person was last active, so it’s a guess and no indicator of when they created their profile, some do say New above them.

My mistakes?

1. Swiping too much too early. Maybe not deliberating enough over profiles as I assumed, like on tinder, that they’d come around again. To date, they haven’t and I’m struggling to even recall my likes, which I assume have all timed out due to how Bumble works.

2. Setting a tight location band. Bumble doesn’t much like that, it assumes you have some flexibility to travel/date and that real life distances aren’t an issue.

3. My own inbuilt prejudices, as a widower I might be looking at those older than me and thinking no, I’d rather have someone my age or younger.

4. Having an age band, I’m assuming younger women aren’t interested in older men.

I’m trying to narrow the field by distance and by age and that’s why I’m seeing the two cards I see most often.

I could play with ages, but I do have to be realistic given my age and circumstance.

I could be more free on distance but given the available time I have without kids, having a date that’s effectively a drive down and back up the M74 and M6 isn’t that appealing and being honest with myself even Edinburgh is an hour one way and an hour back, so a meet-up for a coffee and a later no thanks isn’t worth two hours of travel.

To be fair to bumble, it has added tabs about mental exhaustion, feeling rejected, harmful behaviour and for going from ‘bumble to IRL’ – in real life. The tabs all lead to the same helpline resources but, at least they’ve made that effort.

The initial couple of days are a little bit of a buzz, writing the profile, answering the prompts and picking photographs. It is addictive and it is fun of sorts whilst the excitement is there, the possibilities and the chance to look.

At the moment, it’s more of a drudge, I’ve looked at the pricing and features, I’ve read the safety and mental health advice, I’ve looked at the settings and the chance to tinker.

But default is ‘That’s Everyone’ and ‘You don’t have likes’ – it’s a little dispiriting and a little joyless and it’s at that point that I’m thinking, ‘well, it’s only for a month’ and ‘this isn’t real life’.

I think there’s a danger of feeling invalid if you get to those two cards and I think there’s an issue with the cards not spinning around again. It appears that my early choices were bad ones albeit based on a limited amount of likes with something like 10 hours between opportunities.

Perhaps £39.99 over 28 days at £1.43 a day wouldn’t have been bad value to allow me to access the features, to rewind the ones I had passed upon and to perhaps find someone who had also paid for the premium membership. There would have been a spotlight a week and a chance to use the advanced filters.

The £19.99 offer makes that nearer 70p a day although I presume I’d have to pay for a full price month thereafter.

The ‘boost’ option from £7.99 perhaps offers a chance to look at more things at a more reasonable price, although it doesn’t offer the feature and Information that the Premium one does.

These are financial commitments and both are easier to justify when you think you have some interest, as I did in my first couple of days.

Because you only see a blurred picture, you have very little to go on. It is a gamble and even with three of those at first, I wasn’t sure enough to go pay.

I think if there are missed matches it’s possibly my own views on distance and as I said, my inbuilt bias on age.

I may need to revisit, I may have to think again, but for the minute, I’m happy to get to March , delete the profile and then the app. I can consider my next step from there

But for now.. head down, focus on kids.