Chic vs Wise words 2

Again apologies to Selfcare with wall.

Can’t argue with that. We don’t get what we give. But even the successful marriages can be lopsided.

That’s a harder one. Generalises that everyone acts same way. But right to say to be aware of other people.

True, we are all too amazing, but we can’t always find that someone and we settle in the hope of things getting better.

Someday. I don’t know, it presupposes that there’s a right one out there or another similar soul. It’s much more random than that, but asking if someone likes you is very difficult.

Which past? 1990 me? 2000? Me 2006 me? 2019 me? – I’d prefer to be not as life experienced as them.

Hmm, am I? as I’ve stopped looking for my own sanity and I’m still trying to figure out things. I’d be a liar to say I’ve chosen celibacy. Maybe it isn’t enough and maybe I do need challenged on that.

Yes, yes it is, but time is different for all of us. I can be three years after my wife’s death, that doesn’t mean I’m anywhere near where I’d like to be. Rationally I know that she’s dead. Emotionally, not so easy to say that I’m anywhere good.

‘The greatest love of all, is inside of me….’ – but, self love seems a bit weird. The concept is okay, love thyself and all, but knowing yourself is acknowledging your faults and weaknesses, past mistakes and errors in judgement. Sometimes, it’s hard to see what to love about yourself.

‘My life’ – ownership. ‘It’s a privilege for them’ – I don’t know. I’m not sure many would say it’s their privilege to have me in their lives. Sure, I may have been the person that helped or didn’t judge or who actually got it, but that doesn’t make me essential.

Feelings are difficult. Self-respect is tricky as you need to know that you have some moral code, some ethos and that you always conduct yourself by it. I guess the thing is that we can deceive ourselves. ‘I was too busy then’, ‘they deserved what they got’.

So here it is..

.. Merry Christmas, everybody’s having fun..’

Slade – Merry Christmas Everyone 1973.

Ten or so days to go.

I’ve never usually been Christmassy, was never my thing and a product of having a birthday really near Christmas.

It was Lyndie’s thing and she’d pack away Disney ornaments for the tree on Summer visits to Disneyland Paris.

For me, differing stages, the wonder as a kid, adulthood and another thing at the same time of year as New Year and my Birthday. Then being a parent to my daughter and sons.

I’m Scottish. Hogmanay and New Year is our thing. Christmas has became a thing over my lifetime and as far as I know even up to the mid 1970s in Scotland, men in particular would work the morning as a half day. You can internet search on that with the device you’re reading on.

Our feelings about Christmas are a product of our society, family and relationships. It’s a common, but also different experience for everyone and although adverts and the Christmas genre of movies sell us a vision of it all, it’s what you recall, remember and experience that matters.

So, I was meh at best until the kids came along, but so do other pressures, financial, social and domestically.

As I said, my late wife loved Christmas, she was the Christmassy one and more social than me, so it was about family and seeing people and giving and in amongst that, a few of my weaknesses together with circumstances with my own parents and siblings.

Now as a widower, I’ve had to relearn a few things. Taking myself away from how I’d naturally feel did my kids.

To explain and I’ve written before about it, My Birthday is in the days between Christmas and New Year. December is my birthday month and I’d say to the kids, ‘Yay it’s dad’s birthday month’ to get boo’d at.

Christmas always overshadowed and that’s just my experience without getting into joint birthday/Christmas cards and presents.

So I’m on my fourth as a sole parent. The first was three months after we lost Lyndie. Neither myself or the boys were up for it, so no tree/decorations, but presents and dinner and chocolates and treats.

The year after I got a natural tree (messy) and some of Lyndie decorations and we had some lights outside and more of an effort.

Last year was similar although I bought an artificial tree to make things easier.

In the past few years I’ve even watched the Netflix Christmas movies and enjoyed some of them. I’ve been watching The Santa Clauses this year.

There’s no right or wrong way to do it, I’ll marvel at the efforts I see in terms of trees and decoration that others do and I’ll also find it funny seeing Christmas trees up in November or people getting excited as soon as Halloween is over.

It’s an emotional time, it has its pressures, I certainly didn’t like the financial strain when I was on my own and separated.

I think seeing people go to Christmas events is a mixed feeling and there’s some very good things in Scotland and the Glasgow area.

Some of that is reluctance to drag the kids out to things and some of it is my own reticence about Christmas too and it’s figuring out what they’d like and what to do.

I don’t look in envy when I see pictures of Christmas events, it’s maybe a little that I’m on a slightly different path and couple things obviously aren’t really for me and it’s fine to see others enjoy themselves.

Yeah that all takes a little work and thinking and feeling through things and much of that happened that first Christmas without Lyndie and trying to figure a lot of conflicting feelings out.

I take myself out the equation, I know I have to buy for myself a present from the kids and I take it from there, the kids, family and whatever else.

I’m nearly there on presents, I have food and shopping days to figure out and the tree will go back up in the next few days.

It’s not hard to do, but finding that motivation sometimes and getting going and figuring presents and choices and what to do.

So, it’s here soon, nothing to dread, nothing to fear. I’m not disrespecting Lyndie by doing things differently and I won’t upset or annoy or whatever anyone else.

The main thing is the kids for them to enjoy their break from school and our time together.

Living with the decision.

Been my respite weekend (or weekend off) and it’s just me and dog.

Slept through all day Saturday after waking at 7am. Didn’t wake again until 5pm.

Had a more active day with a big dog walk early and another this afternoon before light faded.

I can feel or think whatever and it doesn’t really matter.

I can cry/mope/wish, but it doesn’t matter.

I tried.

I failed.

Nothing is going to come out of the blue, I have to slowly get myself amongst people again, have actual friends and then maybe/perhaps.

I have a weekend once a month, apart from lunch on Friday, I’ve not really been anywhere or around people.

I removed a burden, an expectation, a hope.

Yep no-one to be with or around is tough. I’ve said it all before so no point repeating the beats from previous posts.

I just have to keep coping and keep working on my health and mental health.

It is how it is.

What if? (Life Experience)

What if, the fact that I’ve been through so much in terms of ‘Life Experience’ that I’ve came out of all that, still intact, but maybe with a nicer perspective on life that maybe someone same age who’s ‘plain sailed’?

What if knowing about loss and grief and losing someone that should still be here has made me listen to others stories, to understand and be empathetic?

What if struggling away with my own issues has given me that insight as to how everyone has something going on?

What if the strength and dogginess that I’ve had to use is actually a good thing?

What if knowing about my own and my son’s conditions make me worldlier in understanding autism and mental health and the whole shebang that goes on inside minds?

What if I’ve learned patience?

What if I’m a ‘better person’?

I don’t really know.

Remember that I’m inside me, I see the mirror, same face, the thoughts rumble in my head and eventually words come onto the screen of my smartphone. I’m sort of dumbfounded by the accessibility of my thoughts at times.

And it’s maybe from seeing a character in a TV show saying ‘I’m good!’ – maybe just that and how simple that seems.

Simple to a man of doubt and worry and anxiety as expressing my self and saying ‘I’m this or I’m that’ isn’t always an easy thought. There’s a following sentence to qualify a statement or modesty or sense of being proper that maybe stops me getting too far ahead of myself.

I know the trials and tribulations of going through things is hard, I recently thought about the anniversary of my mum’s death and thinking through how that felt and how much of a thing that was to go through and deal with at the time.

Remembering her influence and trying to think through what she would think about what I’m going through.

A message from a friend today saying how well I manage with the kids and everything else, got my usual modest answer as I don’t feel that way and that there’s always something else coming up or going on and i’m thinking about them here and now as well as planning ahead.

Then I think, where does that leave me and ‘what if’ – I am doing okay by them and despite all that life experience, I’m sober, I’m there for them and doing what I can. I don’t see parenting or ‘dadding’ as a chore or a contest, I’m not looking for praise or trying to be better than someone else, as I said above as we’ve all got something going on.

But maybe one day my ‘what if’s’ maybe might get someone to see what’s inside me and see that I’m worthwhile.

So, I stopped looking.

I was mindful of what I last wrote and wasn’t particularly rushing myself into a decision.

So I had a swiping session on the apps and it was all left. ‘She’s too good’, ‘I’d never pull her in real life’, ‘She seems nice and doesn’t need me dragging her down’.

With my thinking like that, I stopped.

Went back a day later and paused or hid myself. I had already removed myself completely from another thing I had tried too.

It’s only a few days but no desire to unhide or unpause and no real thought that I need to, or must.

If anything it’s a chunk of time back as it’s sessions of 10 or 15 minutes and it’s not once a day, it’s two or three time’s minimum.

I don’t know how I feel.

Sad, that it doesn’t work out for me.

A little bit feeling ‘less of a man’, I can’t actualise my needs.

Frustrated. With everything else in my life, I could use something nice or something positive.

I’ve grappled with celibacy, I’ve been back and forward with the idea of it being involuntary and I’ve no desire to combine ‘celibacy’ and ‘involuntary’ as I’m not that sort of person. I’m not owed anything by women in general and it’s my face, my situation and my words on the profiles.

I have to consider other ways. Can I do Meet-Up and find things to go to? Is getting to the gym an idea.? Do I consider things like Match where I’d pay for a more serious on dating audience?

I don’t know.

I’ve had issues going on with the kids and trying to resolve or complain about those gets me so far. It’s frustrating and time consuming and annoying. It’s maybe for another blog post, but putting it simply, I have enough to do.

I’m tired. I’m sleeping but not well enough, I miss company and I guess I just want a bloody hug when it comes down to it.

I have to think antidepressants, where I am with my mental health, I have to figure what’s good for me.

Meeting someone or having a text/message type initial chat would be great, but it doesn’t solve my issues around me and my family here.

Just maybe I’ve realised it’s not the panacea that I supposed it to be.

I’m now past three years in terms of ‘widowerhood’, I’m about eight years since we seperated.

It’s a long time since I have been in a day to day actual working relationship.

And maybe I won’t ever be again.

I can cry, I can be sad about that, but it’s the truth and now comes the difficult part.

To stop dreaming that someone will ‘save’ me. To not relapse into the false hope of dating apps. To hold my head up, maintain my dignity and not become a tragic figure.

I’ve had enough losses in my life and I’ve been through listing the main and secondary losses since Lyndie died. I can’t become bitter about that or go into constant sadness.

I just need to keep looking for the light, keep seeing the ridiculous things in life, be grateful for the kids and the dog and what they all mean to me.

Yeah, rejection always hurts and with the dating apps it’s a gamble, a risk that no-one is interested and it stings and it’s not a nice feeling. But it’s time for me to get past that. I tried.

Making the effort is no small matter, finding a way past the fears of showing myself, being honest and open about my situation and well, if being my age and a sole parent puts them off, then they weren’t worth the effort anyway.

I tried and did what I reasonably could manage given what I had available to me, I wasn’t cynical, I didn’t lie or hide anything.

So, for now, acceptance that I’ve stopped looking. A bit of reflection, a bit of thinking and thinking through what I was trying to do and what it was I had hoped to accomplish.

Some thought on other ways or just to try and get myself out or with people that bit more, to relearn my social skills, to relearn my peopling.

I have other things to keep me busy and I suppose, new distractions to find. There’s always something to see or read or do.

It’s no shame and no big deal to have struck out with online dating. I have things to fix in terms of myself and the boys and I can focus on that and focus on the things ahead for the year.

But for now and the next little while, it’s avoiding those apps and building myself to not just be hidden, but to finally delete them.

The Dates

It’s that time of year.

Lyndie pretty much always in my mind just now.

Without specifics, our anniversary was last week, her birthday is this week and the date she died following week.

No particular wisdom to offer, I’ve just been rolling with it. Some days more difficult and others easier.

Aware of myself, aware of how I’m feeling, and aware of the loss in our lives.

Grief isn’t a simple thing and it’s complicated by our relationship and now knowing more than I did at the time.

I can look back at how I felt and how I feel now, and it’s a jumble of stuff to make sense about. Some of it is guilt, shame, ‘what if’s’, along with happier thoughts.

I know people have specific blogs on grief and I had thought about it, but I wasn’t seeking to create anything in that way.

I also felt my life was more than just being a widower and dealing with my own issues and those of the kids was worth my attention too.

I know that the crash for others that are widowed might be greater, as they were living together, in love, happy relationship and boom, it happens.

I can understand that, but even going from ‘not a great place’, a sudden loss of someone young is life changing and it’s no less valid having gone through good and bad together.

It can be difficult to relate with people that haven’t had the experience, making a complication upon complication and can make the community or Facebook groups difficult to navigate.

I find Facebook hard enough to deal with, not everyone had can post picture perfect experiences and nights out, holidays etc.

So, trying to be positive and helpful can be difficult, especially when my experience is different.

Ultimately, there’s a shared experiences in the dates as everyone has to navigate birthday, wedding anniversary, and the death date.

Ideally, I wouldn’t mark the death date, celebrate the birthday, particularly for the kids to remember.

But, it’s to be navigated and handled and it’s not an easy time.

The Dates

It’s that time of year.

Lyndie pretty much always in my mind just now.

Without specifics, our anniversary was last week, her birthday is this week and the date she died following week.

No particular wisdom to offer, I’ve just been rolling with it. Some days more difficult and others easier.

Aware of myself, aware of how I’m feeling and aware of the loss in our lives.

Grief isn’t a simple thing and it’s complicated by our relationship and now knowing more than I did at the time.

I can look back at how I felt and how I feel now and it’s a jumble of stuff to make sense about. Some of it is guilt, shame, what ifs along with happier thoughts.

I know people have specific blogs on grief and I had thought about it, but I wasn’t seeking attention or to create anything in that way.

I also felt my life was more than just being a widower and dealing with my own issues and those of the kids was worth my attention too.

I know that the crash for others that are widowed might be greater, living together, in love, happily together and boom, it happens.

I can understand that but even going from ‘not a great place’, a sudden loss of someone young is life changing and it’s no less valid having gone through good and bad together.

It can be difficult to relate with people that haven’t had the experience, complication on complication and makes the community or Facebook groups difficult to navigate.

I find Facebook hard enough to deal with, not everyone had can post picture perfect experiences and nights out, holidays etc.

So, trying to be positive and helpful can be difficult, especially if your experience is different.

Ultimately, there’s a shared experience in the dates as everyone has to navigate birthday, wedding anniversary and the death date.

Ideally I wouldn’t mark the death date, celebrate the birthday, particularly for the kids to remember.

But, it’s to be navigated and handled and it’s not an easy time.

Dates.

Our Anniversary and L’s birthday are later this month. The date she died is 1st September.

This is coming up to end of year three and I suppose, start of year 4 – 2019/20, 2020/21, 2021/22.

Things are as they are.

I’m sole parent and I get my Friday and Sunday hours off and my respite weekends.

My mother and father in law continue to be fantastic in terms of the boys and helping us.

The dog is my main day to day companion and confidant.

No one stepped up, stepped in otherwise, even to give me some friendship or support.

I’ve learned to do things myself. Learned again about being on my own.

My text messages are usually from companies.

I’ve did swipey swipey again.

15 likes but no-one in my preferred range of 35 miles and no one in even a wider 30-60 age band.

Currently not using the widowed group Facebook groups after making a silly mistake in which group I posted something.

Still haven’t met the local groups.

My psychologist phone calls stopped as I thought I could access counselling from the charity for chartered surveyors. Turned out that fell apart as detailed financial information needed.

The ASN School’s outreach worker stopped visiting over a year ago as the programme withdrawn by school.

I’ve had autistic meltdowns with both schools in past year.

It’ll be my eighth season since I last regularly went to St Mirren games.

I think eight years since L moved out and our relationship fell apart.

For all that I can handle day to day parenting and everything else that needs doing, timewise, for myself, I have a couple of three/four hour blocks at weekends.

Really speaking it gets the dog out and I get to do grocery shopping without the kids.

I’ll have the return of schooldays with dog for company and I think my current attempts on swipey swipey apps are as doomed a previous ones.

Mood isn’t good, loneliness is difficult and often I just have an early night.

I can’t make things happen as I may like and it is tough at times to see any upside.

I can deflect attention from me to the boys, I can say to myself it’s not just about me, I can say I owe them whatever they need and as a parent, I try my best for them.

I’m 50 at end of year, I can then give up on looking at things like dating apps and just get down to the fundamentals of what I need to do to keep alive for as long as possible for the children’s sake.

I need the strip bare any thoughts of self or what I’d like in my life.

I will look at dog shelters to see if I can take on another dog, so I’m not alone in a few years time when he gets older and dies.

I will look at gyms and pools locally so I can exercise in the school day.

I’ll plan for our holiday next year, for Christmas and for the term on our current car ending.

Happiness is neither here nor there.

It’s important the kids are settled and okay and happy in their lives.

Hopefully L would approve of me prioritising them. Hopefully she’d understand that how I feel and what I have aren’t as important as them.

I need to work on putting away my hopes and wants. I need to settle with myself that it’s happened and chasing ‘a life’ isn’t for me anymore.

I need to accept that.

Dealing with the thoughts and memories around her birthday, our anniversary and the death date are going to be difficult. Inevitably.

I can’t pretend life as normal over those few weeks, although I do have the return to school things to work on.

There’s enough to do, no point in complaining, stuff needs sorting out and fixed.

‘The Grind’

The things I know are the basics, taking care of the kids, looking after the dog. Clean toilets, clean sinks, dispose of food that’s gone.

I know the needs of the kids, what they can and can’t do and what to do for them and what to encourage them with.

Mainly it’s keeping everyone on an even keel, no big drama or excitement and home is where they unwind after school.

I say that at three weeks into the school holidays. We’ve been away, we’ve got back and settling into the summer.

Grandparents are taking one for a week, the other has ASN playscheme for a week, we have that to take us closer to end of July.

Similar to lots of parents but, I know from last summer that I’ll be kept busy and I have to start thinking sizes, tops and jumpers, their trousers and the rigmarole of shoes.

They don’t grow at an even rate and there’s no point stocking up for the new school year. Some of last years will work and some new things needed.

So, it’s using quiet moments to figure what’s next, think activities, days out and what to do. Plan some shopping and see what can go to clothing banks at the schools and things.

I have an idea of next years holiday and how much and what’s needed. I have to balance with thinking Christmas, differently timed birthdays and whatever else will come up.

It’s in my hands and I can plan and think it through whilst doing the day to day parenting and caring.

I had some evening time on holiday to think, it was quiet and no distractions, so I figured what’s up with me and what exactly I can do.

It’s going to be to accept things.

I had my ‘ten days’ before going on holiday and to be honest, it was frustrating, pointless as much as anything after the initial excitement and hope wore off.

I also had to use that thinking to grind at myself. A bit of annoyance over my weight, some self sympathy over the lost months with covid as well as genuine sadness that I had struck a friendship and a few things as well as the lockdowns made that not work out.

I threw around in that grinding, how I felt, cleaning, doing laundry, planning clothes, making meals, budgeting, planning for events.

Not a sense that I’d lost my maleness or that I was effete, more a sort of knowledge that I was ‘maw’ing – being mum and dad at times, housework, back in in time for school finishing. Something in the fridge (and usually a back up), something in the freezer (and a back up).

I get the remarks that I do well at it, but I’ve always done that in terms of parenting as well as their personal care. I didn’t really opt out of it.

The hardest grind was over using tinder and bumble and that feeling that I couldn’t attract who I wanted, not even to the point of on-app conversations.

The feeling of being ‘a man that can’t get a women’s interest’.

Before I go further, I’m not saying I deserve someone or a situation or a particular person. It’s not looking at it as an entitlement or whatever.

More, it’s that loneliness and seeing others doing things that I’d maybe like to. That’s not necessarily ‘moving on’ but I guess wanting company, a chat, a motivation outside of family and disability and the day to day.

And, if I’m honest, that hope or need is maybe another element of the grind.

I’ve been questioning myself on unmet needs, and know that some of that is emotional and maybe also physical and that can be a gentle touch on a shoulder or a hug when it’s needed.

It’s easy to envy or be jealous of others, it’s easy to see what you don’t have.

Taking it together, maybe an element of resentment about my situation and certainly resentment in terms of feeling that I can’t change it, without that opportunity or spark of communicating with someone.

The grind also includes thinking through if maybe I’m too old. I’m certainly too grey and too bald in comparison to some of my peers.

It’s also the brokenness of shock, grief, feeling empty but having children to point in the right direction bearing in mind their loss too, as well as that of Lyndie’s parents. I can communicate how the kids are, but ultimately it’s me and not her and I understand the depth of their loss too.

So, all in all, ‘some baggage’ as they say on those apps. It’s not possible to experience the loss of the mother of your kids without that.

I’m not seeking a replacement, I’m not seeking anything more than the chance to have a conversation and see where it leads, but that first step, is the crucial one.

So, it takes me back to what I’m grinding, a sense of difference in being a male sole parent/caregiver, an acknowledgment that my time is limited in the right places and plentiful after bedtimes and in daytime.

Possibly amongst that, is frustration at myself for failing. A wish to be in a better place mentally and emotionally knowing that can help my resilience in dealing with what I have to do.

But, I can’t do anything about any of that until the summer holiday is finished. I have the odd carer respite hour or two at weekend to escape and that’s it.

So I can’t travel the extent of central Scotland for someone. I need to come up with someone be near, who I’m not travelling hours to.

Patience might be the key, but to keep sane day to day, to handle the ups and downs in terms of myself and as a parent/carer, I can’t have that grind or friction to want something more going on in my head and dragging me back from doing the things that need doing.

It’s counter intuitive in a way, but I have to deal with those thoughts like rejection, like separation, like losing her, like grieving for her and accept that it is what it is. Otherwise, those thoughts grind away and it’s me that’s being ground, me that’s suffering as much as it’s what I need, I can’t be looking and thinking and caught in a ‘would-nice-to-be’ or ‘maybe-someday’ as I’m needed in the here and now and not only by my kids but by others too.

Rationally accepting celibacy or it being in any relationship is a tough one. It’s almost reverse of human instinct, almost pushing against the tide.

But if I can’t make peace with that, if I can’t say ‘Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be’ then, I’ll always be grinding, I’ll always be envious, always be wishing it was me.

And that’s, the toughie.

No psychologist is going to say, accept being alone, accept not having intimacy, accept having unmet needs.

The whole sort of basis for figuring out how to fix our mental health and emotional needs is to accept or find a way to process the bad things, fear, pain, anger, grief and to find somewhere to place those thoughts of to be able to break them down and rebuild looking at the hierarchy of needs and taking step by step strategies towards tolerance of the issues, towards resilience and toward experiencing life in a meaningful way.

Now, yes, I’d like the be happier, I’d like to have the missing needs met, but without success at that first key point in dating, then I can’t follow the flow of conversation, meeting and so on.

Being time limited, opportunity limited, as a sole parent/carer means that mourning the inability or the lack of chance will only be damaging to me.

Hoping against hope will only be damaging for me and if there is a path for me to meet or chat to someone, it’s likely to be organic and around the circumstances of where I am and when I’m about and maybe some of that is just old fashioned happenstance where someone in real life isn’t finger scrolling away out of boredom and unreal expectation as they’d do on an app.

So I have to accept that another app or a more expensive subscription would only maybe be leading me to false hope.

I can’t do that over the school holidays anyways and I’m can’t do that immediate afterwards as all the dates of anniversaries in August and September.

So, that’s where I am, after a difficult and at times messy past few years.

It’s not giving in or giving up, it’s accepting that I have to focus on the day to day.

I need to do that and find the tools to cope or adapt. I need to find the daily routines with or without the kids and take meaning from doing that with them and for them.

So, grinding away at the issues won’t likely get me anywhere. Relying on sympathy to get me anywhere will sooner or later fade away.

So, time taken to write, time taken to think before that and it’s now time to deal with things. One bit at a time and keeping going.

Ten Days

I had looked at calendar and thought ‘ooh I have a bit of time before going on holiday’.

So I went and loaded Tinder app and did a profile. This time around I didn’t take the paid option and stayed ‘free’ but with no features.

I did all the things that were needed to be completed and in the free text added my height. Six pictures, all in past year.

Carousel of pictures gave me a few that I knew in real life and I swerved those options.

So, the first night hope, actually reading profiles before swiping and looking at photographs to work out what was recent.

By day ten, I’d had enough. Two ‘likes’ and I figured one would disappear if I took a paid subscription.

The two likes

The offer of half priced subscriptions came at about day 10 too.

It’s much more attractive than the regular price, but from trying last October I knew even that has limitations.

Offer

Again, a question of balancing my thoughts and feelings towards these apps.

Behaviours are human, lack of interest, over shooting at people that aren’t interested, profiles that are left by people and time/attention seekers.

My thoughts are to try up the scale, but whether Match, e-harmony or whatever are right, I don’t know.

Zoosk and Hinge I’ve tried before and I doubt either would be a step up from Bumble and Tinder.

I think it’s the next thing to consider.

Failing always brings a low though, and I think my mind defaults to ‘not good enough’, ‘unworthy’, ‘useless’ and a whole pile of negativity from feeling ugly to thinking I’m undateable.

And I do need recovery time from trying things like that. Try and rebuild a little bit confidence or just feel up to it.

I guess my thinking is headed toward ‘maybe it’s not for me’ and that perhaps I have to accept how it is and remove any pressure from myself.

At same time I’m railing against that sort of thinking knowing it’s negative and knowing that I’m not happy and that I should be trying to ‘fulfill this need’.

I suppose ‘this need’ could be from someone to text call, someone to be with, to dates, intimacy and even a sex life.

Whoah.

Yes, there’s a pile of stuff in there to unpick. Yes, I need company, contact, friendship. Yes, I’d like some sort of relationship, but I have to balance that with my responsibilities and I can’t just fall for someone without thinking of the kids etc.

Intimacy and a sex life, again is a thing that may be an ‘unfulfilled need’ but you kinda need the relationship or friendship first.

So, one doesn’t come without another and I’m unsure any ‘friend with benefits’ or **** buddy could really be an option.

I don’t think I’m that clinical and separating feelings from intimacy would be difficult.

It’s almost a cycle of thoughts, loneliness and being on own, wanting to do something about it, doing the apps, leaving the app unfulfilled and back to the loneliness and it’s whether running through that cycle in a regular basis is a good idea or good for my mental health and well-being.

I have to think of my primary task as a parent carer, I have to think of my own condition and my own limitations too.

I’ve always been realistic on distances and age ranges on these apps and thinking age appropriate and also what stands a chance of working.

It may just be the photographs, it may be my age, it may be both, I don’t think I can remove myself enough to judge how I present and how that looks to a person I’d be interested in.

So, yeah it hurts, and yeah it’s good that I wanted to try.

I hope I don’t sound that I’m entitled to someone, or entitled to a relationship or sex.

I’m aware I’d be seen as unwanted/involuntarily celibate. I may hope or wish or would like that to change but I know my own limitations and understand that I have ‘baggage’.

I write this now that I’m holiday with kids and dog and my bedtime is maybe twenty minutes later than theirs.

And I know that’s sort of not good and that I’m limited on who is or may be out there.

I don’t know what my next step might be, but all I can do is try again at a suitable time later in the year