A night last week where I slept really badly and it left me time for thinking.
Maybe not the right time or circumstances to think, but I had some things in mind, for now and after holiday with the kids.
Realised that being myself (widower/carer/autistic) makes the whole dating thing difficult and that past attempts in October and February really weren’t enjoyable. I had thought, oh, I could try in August, but, I’m thinking I leave it maybe longer.
It’s not to say I don’t need company or intimacy but maybe recognising that I’m not in the right place and that a new relationship wouldn’t be a fix-all.
I tend to add up period separated and period since Lyndie died and it’s probably closer to eight years maybe and perhaps, I could frame that differently or whatever but, it’s a long time since a day to day regular relationship.
I questioned if it’s celibacy, involuntary celibacy, but whether it’s definable, I don’t know. I’m certainly not a woman hating incel or someone just seeking sex, so the definitions and descriptors are a bit of a challenge.
I had to think whether there’s anything else and look at things like Aromantic and things like that. I don’t think I am uninterested or fit the definitions. Certainly an interesting read.
I had sort of thought that my next birthday, 50, was the point to sort of chuck it, accept that it’s probably just me and try and hold onto a bit of dignity.
I don’t know. There’s certainly people single and dating using the ‘seniors’ apps and sites and I don’t really know much about that. Maybe keeping an open mind is better than just dismissing it.
I think, the point that I’m trying to get to here, is that I know a relationship might help, might be a welcome distraction, but that I could risk completely leaning on that person and that’s unfair on them.
I need to pick up other threads in terms of my life, in order to balance it all out. If there’s anything to do after the holidays it’s maybe looking at gym/fitness/swimming for my own general health and my dodgy knee in particular.
I haven’t got anywhere in terms of meet up groups or activities or daytime sort of things to do that I could squeeze into a term-time day and I haven’t really been able up use respite time to go out etc.
So, I’ve a lot to think about that I wanted to do after I was less shocked and less griefy but, maybe two years behind on due to the pandemic.
Maybe the answer is to think some more, find things that’ll give me contact with people again and try to rebuild some confidence first, before taking a giant leap at disappointment with the dating apps.
It’s not a easy sell balding/grey, nearly 50, autistic widower with childcare responsibilities for disabled kids and restricted time off weekends/evenings.
So, it’s maybe better looking at fitness, looking at social things that might allow me to build on myself.
All in all, I don’t know. I’ll figure it out a bit more as I go.
February was Bumble and I tried Tinder in October. I’ve had a look at OK Cupid and some other options.
I don’t know if I’m any better off for trying dating sites. I guess if I hadn’t, I’d probably be thinking that I should have.
I had thought when I hit 50, I go with ‘Zen Monk’ plan.
Basically aim to chill out, push the loneliness stuff out my mind. Accept the situation, be grateful that I have the boys and dog here and work on my physical and mental health.
My zen monk shit note
I already don’t drink alcohol.
For the rest probably a gym membership. Some reading and some good Scottish water.
In mental health terms, it’s either a case of breaking down defences (some long term and necessary), be willing to reach out and not have necessarily receive in return, and have a willingness to ‘try and fail’ to an extent.
Maybe, I don’t need anyone based on current circumstances, maybe I can manage like this for however long I have left?
I have read about it and know that being myself and being lonely will affect my likely length of life. I have to consider that as I’m a carer and it’s unlikely my oldest son can live alone.
But the barrier to effecting change is time. I’m free daytime on school days, I have time after bedtime, I have respite windows.
But even so, with daytimes, I can read philosophy, I can go to a gym, I can use respite windows for shopping or to rest.
I always feel embarrassed using online dating. The short story is that one of my former colleagues read my tinder profile out in the office. I was stalked by another colleague and obviously it was shared above, but to be mocked like that and especially given that they knew that I was separated and struggling with it all wasn’t nice.
I feel quite vulnerable with those sorts of things and quite scared that I’ll be mocked in another way by someone else.
So, lack of any joy, difficult feelings about doing it add up to a sort of melancholy feeling about trying to change my situation
My own knowledge says to myself that I can’t have a meaningful romantic attachment or relationship without having a base of friends and family in place first and I’ve lost that over the years separated and widowed, so a more sensible approach is writing off the next few years and working on having at least that base in place and having that to work from. At least it would mean the odd text or getting out a bit more.
I can look at my ‘zen monk’ plan as a backstop and where I eventually need to go. I do need to exercise and lose weight. A function of depression is doing less and probably eating more in a ‘be good to yourself’ sort of way.
Perhaps it’s self discipline I rather need more of to control my feelings, to control the elements of dreaming and hoping. To work on exercise and diet and sleep. To not allow negative thoughts to dwell.
It’s a lot to hope that one person would change my life. It’s a lot to push on top of a new relationship and a lot to expect and an element of putting someone on a dais or something, that maybe they wouldn’t expect or need as their life might be more balanced or that they have their own story with vulnerabilities and complications.
I don’t really know what I expected, there wasn’t maybe anything, maybe I was expecting to be disappointed. I had one meaningful chat in those two months and in the end I was ghosted.
I know that being ghosted is a common thing and maybe it’s not all my fault and maybe it’s with that persons situation or whatever, but it hurts anyway.
Failure hurts. The thought that I can’t attract or interest anyone. The feeling that I’m ‘not good enough’ ‘too old’ ‘too broken’ or have ‘too much baggage’
It’s a grim viewpoint. Perhaps I can work on that. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I need to work through all that stuff and find something useful rather than just see the negativity.
For now, I have my day to day and my responsibilities, things to do and sort and get on with. I can’t stop, I can’t give myself a break from all that because I’m sad or sad and lonely.
It’s just plain old time to get on with things and process more of it when I get an opportunity to do so.
Tried Bumble in February and I found after twenty or so days, it to be a bit of a stark thing, there’s often no cards to swipe and if there are it’s new people to site or people new to area.
I have no likes, initially there was a few but in my own swiping, I managed to lose those.
I’m on ‘date’ mode and set to ages 39-58 and within 68 miles. I’ve allowed the slightly higher/lower things for both settings.
68 miles should include the entire Glasgow conurbation as well as stretches to Edinburgh and Fife, so I assume I have most of Central Scotland within that distance.
If I’m honest, I know it’s impractical to look further than Glasgow through my circumstances.
In terms of age, broadly 10 above and 10 below, I assume I don’t appeal to those younger and I’m trying to be realistic with those bands.
It’s my second genuine attempt at on-line dating, I’ve tried a better variety of photos, I’ve answered the Bumble talking points and I’ve been honest. It says carer at care as occupation and I’ve led with ‘I’m a widower’
I’m not tempted by the pay options. After all, no interest in me and for £39.99 a month, it seems expensive to unlock the features.
Bumble has offered me Premium at £19.99 for a first month in the past few days, I’d estimate that offer is either made after 20 or 21 days.
I have two cards that I see most often. The Hive logo gives me ‘that’s everyone’ ‘you’ve seen all the people nearby’, so all of my left swipes are no’s and I don’t see any of them again.
That’s everyone!
Second card is on the heart logo, ‘You don’t have any likes just now’, so presumably my card is there to be swiped. ‘Not to worry, why not try – Spotlight and be featured to more people’
Not to worry..
Spotlight boosts views of your profile for a limited time, different ages of users are on the app at different times, so it’s one to use at the right time of evening on the right day. It says spotlight is £2.33, presumably it can be bought without a Premium membership.
I’m not for spotlighting, the experience so far has been enough.
It’s currently adaily swipe through about ten profiles, its worth reading to the end to work out where someone lives and quite a few are visitors to Edinburgh or Glasgow that haven’t turned their dating profile off.
There’s a few that might say ‘Scots girl in London’ within the profile, so you know they’re home seeing relatives.
There’s no indicators of when the person was last active, so it’s a guess and no indicator of when they created their profile, some do say New above them.
My mistakes?
1. Swiping too much too early. Maybe not deliberating enough over profiles as I assumed, like on tinder, that they’d come around again. To date, they haven’t and I’m struggling to even recall my likes, which I assume have all timed out due to how Bumble works.
2. Setting a tight location band. Bumble doesn’t much like that, it assumes you have some flexibility to travel/date and that real life distances aren’t an issue.
3. My own inbuilt prejudices, as a widower I might be looking at those older than me and thinking no, I’d rather have someone my age or younger.
4. Having an age band, I’m assuming younger women aren’t interested in older men.
I’m trying to narrow the field by distance and by age and that’s why I’m seeing the two cards I see most often.
I could play with ages, but I do have to be realistic given my age and circumstance.
I could be more free on distance but given the available time I have without kids, having a date that’s effectively a drive down and back up the M74 and M6 isn’t that appealing and being honest with myself even Edinburgh is an hour one way and an hour back, so a meet-up for a coffee and a later no thanks isn’t worth two hours of travel.
To be fair to bumble, it has added tabs about mental exhaustion, feeling rejected, harmful behaviour and for going from ‘bumble to IRL’ – in real life. The tabs all lead to the same helpline resources but, at least they’ve made that effort.
The initial couple of days are a little bit of a buzz, writing the profile, answering the prompts and picking photographs. It is addictive and it is fun of sorts whilst the excitement is there, the possibilities and the chance to look.
At the moment, it’s more of a drudge, I’ve looked at the pricing and features, I’ve read the safety and mental health advice, I’ve looked at the settings and the chance to tinker.
But default is ‘That’s Everyone’ and ‘You don’t have likes’ – it’s a little dispiriting and a little joyless and it’s at that point that I’m thinking, ‘well, it’s only for a month’ and ‘this isn’t real life’.
I think there’s a danger of feeling invalid if you get to those two cards and I think there’s an issue with the cards not spinning around again. It appears that my early choices were bad ones albeit based on a limited amount of likes with something like 10 hours between opportunities.
Perhaps £39.99 over 28 days at £1.43 a day wouldn’t have been bad value to allow me to access the features, to rewind the ones I had passed upon and to perhaps find someone who had also paid for the premium membership. There would have been a spotlight a week and a chance to use the advanced filters.
The £19.99 offer makes that nearer 70p a day although I presume I’d have to pay for a full price month thereafter.
The ‘boost’ option from £7.99 perhaps offers a chance to look at more things at a more reasonable price, although it doesn’t offer the feature and Information that the Premium one does.
These are financial commitments and both are easier to justify when you think you have some interest, as I did in my first couple of days.
Because you only see a blurred picture, you have very little to go on. It is a gamble and even with three of those at first, I wasn’t sure enough to go pay.
I think if there are missed matches it’s possibly my own views on distance and as I said, my inbuilt bias on age.
I may need to revisit, I may have to think again, but for the minute, I’m happy to get to March , delete the profile and then the app. I can consider my next step from there
Slightly strangely and with the 10th anniversary of her passing, I heard Whitney Houston’s ‘Greatest Love of All’ a few days ago.
‘I decided long ago not to walk in anyone’s shadow’ – that sort of thing. It’s sorta inspirational in the right sorta way.
Firstly, ten years. Yeah, I was surprised at that myself.
Secondly, I wasn’t an avid fan, like anyone else I can sing along with ‘I Wanna Dance with Somebody’ or know that Whitney’s version of ‘ I Will Always Love You’ is fantastic and an amazing reworking of what Dolly Parton created to become THE definitive version.
The bit that I should add is that Whitney Houston and the producers of The Bodyguard were looking for a song – the defining song for the film sort of thing – and through interviews last year Kevin Costner said he was in the room sort of thing and suggested it.
Anyways, ‘Greatest Love of All‘ and all that..
Self love and without the whole fnarr fnarr thing is one thing, but the sense of ‘self love’ and valuing yourself to be a rounded person that people can love etcetra.
But, for me, it’s a bit of a concept to take on.
I’ve never felt that my decisions or thoughts are respected by others. I’ve always felt wrong or not right in the way others think.
It’s hard to put myself first, always has been, I know I gave up things, adapted for others.
I’m not a social centre or hub. I’m not a natural conduit for others.
My focus just now isn’t on me, it’s about my kids and that’s pretty much my life ahead.
So, what is my life? It’s what I can make of things when I’m not needed, when I’m not thinking family.
Truth be told that knocks out most weekends and evenings. I can’t just nip out for a coffee or whatever unless that’s in school time.
It then leads me to think, well I can not blame myself, trust my judgement, believe in my decisions and feelings.
Even in that, I’m trying to respect what I think Lyndie would want. I do try and think what she would have thought about what I bought or chose to do.
I’m not confident in myself, I do have doubts and worries.
Pandemic thinking hasn’t helped me, I was the ‘spare’ parent so to speak, so I’ve been careful through times.
So can I aspire to that sort of ‘self love’, put aside my doubts?
Probably not, maybe more a case of sticking to my moral compass, continue doing what I can and keep myself going.
I probably don’t have the luxury of self improvement.
Acceptance of what I am and who I am, is probably closer and more realistic and having a willingness to say, no, my first point is about the kids and that’s it.
Being realistic and taking things a step at a time, a day at a time.
Hopes and dreams and ‘maybe one day‘ are nice and I can have those thoughts but have to balance it in terms of what time I have.
I can accept it’s very unlikely I’ll live with another person again.
I can accept that it’s unlikely I’ll have a full relationship with another person again.
I can accept that I’m likely to be alone probably until I die.
I can’t see another option or way around that. It’s not particularly positive, it’s not a good feeling, it’s difficult to express properly.
I lost my friend, my wife, the person I cared about. I’m aware of the concepts of secondary losses after bereavement and i’m aware that taking on the role of carer and losing my job were a fundamental changes in my life.
I miss company, chat, messages and all that and at times do feel lonely.
But, there’s no-one else and it’s unlikely that I can make it happen with the time I have and commitments I have.
I’m not the only widowed person, I’m not the only person that’s alone, I’m not the only person struggling to find their worth.
It’s tough, but, it’s how it is.
As for Valentine’s Day, another swerve and see if the boxes of chocolates are cheaper on Tuesday the 15th.
I haven’t always been comfortable watching After Life on Netflix.
Sometimes it’s difficult viewing, as Ricky Gervais’s character has his laptop and his videos from his late wife. The memories and ability to see her face and hear her voice.
I’m slightly jealous of that.
Lyndie and myself tended to take photographs of the kids with the other one of us in the picture, we have some with the two of us and the kids but not many where it’s both of us.
Obviously she never knew she would die and we don’t have video or her to a great extent. Maybe some 30 second clips when kids are doing daft things.
Like all bereaved people I worry about not remembering her voice. Not recalling her face or how she moved.
You want to think it’s all there in your head, but sometimes it’s not and sometimes you can’t visualise when you want to.
I think of that for the kids and being able to show them Lyndie and to keep remembering her.
So yeah, I have that issue with After Life, but it’s television and would a show about a widower work without the flashbacks that he draws upon?
I intended writing about ‘Hope is Everything’ as I had one of those experiences yesterday.
My day was going a little horribly? I was trying to reach out to one of the Schools to try and resolve matters and have a bit better common after some things earlier in the year.
I was worrying about getting away in the summer, having enough stuff, or having the right clothes.
I was maybe just lonely and feeling the cycle of meh that I can get into, perhaps a little frustrated with life.
Someone reached out and it helped. Just gave me a bit of hope and a bit of a smile.
There is hope and for all the difficult thoughts and times and issues, I have to remember that.
I had a respite weekend, but after I got back and the boys came back to me, one started vomiting.
And again, and again.
By the Monday, my other son was ill. Same thing.
With a novovirus thing, it’s 48 hours clear of vomiting etc and back to school.
But that day was the anniversary of Lyndie’s death.
So, I left them both off to have both the same 48 hours clear
Then a Thursday and both back to school. My tummy goes and my head aches. I just about get through the bedtime routine with help from my youngest.
Then last Sunday, the day like it felt it happened. A Sunday two years ago.
Wednesday this week was the actual second anniversary of her death. I had thought that I wanted to mark her birthday every year but not that date.
So, illness and grief and just not much to find any positives.
I am feeling low.
I haven’t been reaching out and leaving things be. I kind of already knew that if I didn’t contact people first that they’d not be in touch and that’s how it is and explains expected.
I’m feeling lonely. I’m struggling a bit with the emotional side of things and for now, there’s not much I can do.
Of course, the anniversaries of those dates were going to be tough and I was going to struggle. Having to deal with kids being ill and then me being ill wasn’t great either.
I miss her, I’ve wished every day it was me rather than her. I have coped and managed and got by, but usually just myself and not having any support network or even a friend to distract me with nonsense.
I can want a relationship or want company, but without any sort of normal friend group, I can’t see any sane woman my age wanting to put up with me.
Been thinking, how do I do the ‘on my own with dignity’ thing as I really don’t see me being able to repair my life and bring back what I had.
I worry people will read and say, ‘but I’m your friend, you only had to ask’
I tried reaching out to people, I always reply to messages, texts, WhatsApps and whatever. But
knowing that I can go a week or more without reaching out and no one will just think to message me is tough.
Maybe it’s time to throttle back on Facebook again. Just post the necessary things now and again and click the like or laugh key as I used to when not using app in past.
I guess I don’t know. I guess if it was easy I wouldn’t have to lay down my thoughts so much.
But, I’ve got my dog, I’ve got the boys, I keep getting them to school, I keep getting the food in and keep doing the laundry. I can distract myself in Star Wars or Star Trek or marvel things to watch and keep myself out of bother.
Maybe it’s not what I want or need, but I’m the only parent my boys have and that’s it.
Chic Gibson - A blog of sorts 